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Sunday, March 24, 2013

Kylie & Dalton

A letter for my second oldest daughter

Eight years ago we met for the first time. Just before your tenth birthday. Before that, all I had was a picture of you. I studied your picture for over a year, you were this beautiful young girl who we chose to adopt out of hundreds of other children. The wait seemed like forever, then you finally came home. I know it was rough. Everything was new. We had our challenges. Just as you, we had our doubts, questions and concerns but we jumped in as your new parents the best we knew how. You, your brother and sister was our first adoption. We learned through experience. We grew in love. I'm writing through my blog because I know you're reading, I know your birth family reads. I want to say, “I'm sorry” I'm sorry because I wasn't more for you. You wanted a Mother so bad, I became your Mother very quickly. I know it was difficult with your older sister. I know we aren't perfect parents. I know you feel that we haven't supported you. That, I'm also sorry for – that we couldn't support your choices because we care and love you. We wanted the best possible future imaginable for you (with wanting that so bad for you) we lost you. September 2011 you left. January 2012 you came back to only leave again. We haven't seen you since. We have no idea who you are. What's left is that perfect image I still have of you. That beautiful girl I waited for, to adopt and call my daughter. I have thought about writing this post for months. I constantly asked myself, “Can I forgive? Can I forget? Can I trust? Can I have the courage to reach out and say, I haven't stopped loving you, thinking about you” You might not want me as your Mother and I've accepted that. I want you to know, in my heart – I still am your Mom. I thought long and hard about writing publicly to you, because I want all to know what you mean to me. You're so beautiful. Now you're a young woman who I hardly know. Dad still loves and cares for you too. A little piece of our hearts are broken. Our disappointments are over. I'm not angry anymore. Life is too short. I've learned to forgive. I never thought I could............but I've found strength and peace by doing so. I wish you all the best in this crazy world. Please tell your significant other – I never stopped loving him also. My only thoughts now is, you both shouldn't have ran from day one but that's hindsight. You both had big wonderful supportive families with lots to offer. So many people to love. We could have worked out the kinks. (Teenage hood stepped in the way) I leave you with this; be truthful, follow your hearts and just remember – you both have families that never stopped loving.
Remember your love for Dolphins? Maybe one day you will swim with one. Keep your dreams.
PS - I might be a strong mother, but I was afraid to post this - afraid to reach out, afraid of many unknowns - maybe just like the both of you.

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