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Monday, July 30, 2018

RIP Kayla Lynn - :(

It doesn't matter what we all believe. Sickness and death comes. We can all say, “Not my family” but we literally have no control. It comes without notice. I wasn't sure if I was able to write and share my feelings any time soon however writing has been gnawing at me. Our worst nightmare happened on May 24th. A constable came knocking at our door. He asked to come inside and to move into a private room. Immediately I thought, “Oh great, one of our teenagers did something really bad” I proceeded to tell him that he can tell us here, in our kitchen. My anxiety set in. Then he said, “Your daughter Kayla Lynn Martini has died” My husband and I kept telling him he had the wrong person, that this isn't possible. “Not our daughter” I literally was yelling, “No no no” over and over again for hours while the constable called victim services. When victim services arrived, the constable then stated we needed to proceed in calling immediate family members. “No no no, you have the wrong family......the wrong girl” Shock was setting in. The toilet became my saving grace that night. Everything within my body, my emotions, my physical heart and soul was being thrown up. This can't be real. How can this be? Not our daughter. Not our family. We are already struggling with a compromised husband and father now our first born, our intelligent and beautiful daughter is gone!? Why!? How!? Not her. Please not her. Oh god.....please not her. “No” All of a sudden my denial, my anxiety, my everything that was thrown up just re-piled into my body. A heavy yet hollow horrible weight. My throat became sore like I swallowed razor blades. Our daughter is gone. The week before the service there was lots going on. Not only was I trying to keep the peace with other peoples emotions, I was organizing (with the help of our family, friends and our community) to have a service hoping that our daughter would have liked. You don't normally talk with your children about how they would want their service. After the service (right or wrong) My husband and I had to deal with debts, bills, endless costs, paperwork, our daughters belongings, picking up our daughters name it – everything was hard. Most of every one was gone too except for close friends and family. It became quieter. The flowers were dying. All of a sudden our new normal was setting in. It's true. Our daughter is definitely gone. OMG. It's been only two months but as every day passes it seems like eternity not hearing from her. I canceled our trip together which felt like another loss. As a grieving experience is heavy. I feel heavy inside with a sore throat ALL the time. I may smile but I'm completely devastated. Now that everything is concluded with our daughters death (service, other arrangements, bills, extra) we are left struggling not only with every ones emotions and our own, with peoples questions and rumors. We have heard a lot that I will not repeat. I understand peoples concern. I truly do. I understand when some walk in the other direction when they see me. Here's what you can do. Don't repeat rumors. Don't believe anything you hear. If you see me, I will not bite. It's okay. I joined a grieving site and I've also connected with people who lost. I've found this to be the most beneficial. If you haven't lost, it's hard to understand and I get it. I was that person. I desperately wish I was still that person. The only words one can say is, “I'm sorry” Loosing a child is a parents worst nightmare and unfortunately it is here forever. It will never go away. Grieving will never stop. This is somehow our new normal. There is no time limit with grief. Don't ever say, “Get over it” or “You should be over it” Try to imagine yourself in our shoes. It's been two months and I thought to myself, Wow.....I am devastated but not angry” but guess what? The stages of grief is uncontrollable. It comes and goes without warning. I recently became angry after returning from our much needed road trip. I said and did somethings that I will never forgive myself for. I'm finding out, hurt people hurt people. I feel like I'm loosing myself. I walk, I talk, I continue to live and I'm trying really hard to maintain my daily responsibilities but some days, some hours, sometimes within a minute I'm drowning in grief. I hate this. I don't want this. This isn't me. Where am I and where is my daughter? When I picked up her ashes....I was shocked. I never thought a body would have so much ash. Then inside a little bag was my daughters jewelry that was taken off of her body. I slipped her ring onto my finger where it remains today. It was never meant for me however as sentimental as I am, I won't take it off. I sleep with her elephant. Every time I see anything elephant I contemplate needing it. Some of my family and friends think I'm crazy. Truth....I already was and this tragic life changing event has enhanced that truth. Right, wrong or indifferent when a loss like this happens, life as we once knew it is forever gone. While taking it one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, I know our futures will never be the same. It's July 30th today as I write this, I miss our daughter. I miss our happiness. I miss worrying about her. One of the most strangest feeling is....not worrying about Kayla. She is gone. A huge shift happened. Life to death. I understand she is at peace but I want to worry about her. I as a mother was looking forward to having a mature adult relationship with her. I was looking forward to traveling and experiencing those next stages of life with her. Kayla was talking about children. Grandchildren I will never get to hold. It's not fair. There is so many parents that have lost their children, and I am so sorry. I am truly sorry for your loss. There is no amount of time that can change what is. It's a loss that we have to live with and from knowing what I know now – we all grieve differently, our grief will last our life time. For people wondering how they can help or what to do when they run into someone like me, just “I'm sorry” works. It's okay to say nothing more. I or whoever who is grieving will take the next step. Thank you for reading this far and understanding. Our daughter Kayla Lynn just turned 28 years old. She loved to travel, she loved people. She had a gentle nature about her. She supported her friends and family. She supported me. She was my rock. My first born. She loved life and lived it. She was intelligent and independent. She was just that amazing beautiful young lady with the world in her hands. I always told her how proud of her I was. I always made sure she knew I supported any of her decisions. I honestly don't know what our future holds. It's a difficult journey. A journey I wish onto no one. Kayla always said, “We all need to live our dash” From the moment we are born to the day we pass. Because of her, I will not fail. I will struggle but I will not fail. I love you so much Kayla Lynn....... I can't worry about you anymore but you're always on my mind and in my heart. Always

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