Thursday, October 25, 2012
"What IF we didn't adopt?"
I've been thinking lately about our family. How it could have been so simple with having only three children. In fact, would have it been? I wonder if my three "birth" children would have been different regarding their personalities or how they feel about their life. I question where would we be now? Answering my questions truthfully, I doubt our three "birth" children's personalities would be different. Two of our sons are shy, and are clearly introvert. Our one daughter is completely career driven with her own opinions and explanations on how life should be. Two of our older children don't want children. They suggest it's because they have many siblings but I don't believe that.....I believe that they wouldn't regardless of having siblings or not. That's who they are. Our one son has always been unsociable but with saying that, he maintains a job (that involves people) he just finished lacrosse as a goalie, graduated and now is getting ready for his ski season. A young man that perhaps has struggled throughout his teen years with bouts of depression has clearly succeeded into a young adult making milestones. Our daughter is completely an extrovert, out-spoken and clearly on her own path which involves success. (money) Then we have our third birth child that I home-school, that is shy, quiet and reminds me a lot like his father. An easy child. Wow....two young adults moving on which would have left one birth child with no behaviors at all. For my two older birth children, their paths were laid out regardless because I left my first marriage. I did myself and them a favor. Do they have a better life? You betcha they do. Through our step-fathering struggles at first, they became my husbands children. Regardless of any situation, there is a transition period. Divorce, moving cities, schools to adoption placements - it's a life changing atmosphere we've lived and live. There is always negatives. Although the positives out weigh any negative that even myself can feel. I wouldn't change any of our choices throughout our years of different transition periods. What I have noticed is, our birth children (even if they don't want to admit it) have changed in several positive ways. Adoption has brought them many siblings, a life changing family. I've seen my birth children interact and accept their adoptive siblings into our family. Even as difficult as it was sometimes, I've seen that acceptance and interaction between brothers and sisters. Then there's been times where there's clearly sibling disputes, and sometimes the not understanding onto why our adoptive child would treat us horribly, makes adoption look like a mistake for birth members. There will always be the concerns, questions, and the unknowns which could develop into "what if we didn't adopt" but the reality is, we are all surviving together with some challenges from time to time questioning life. We would have questioned life and more likely complained about it without adopting children. That's what we do as human beings. So as I sit here contemplating what my life would have looked like - easy - I would have complained about it. Our birth children would have complained about it. The only difference is I would be working outside the home doing first aid, my husband wouldn't have started a home-based business, (he would also be working outside our home) we wouldn't be in dept with a big house and we would have less children to look after but I doubt it would have been any easier. Less challenges yes - easier - I believe life isn't meant to be easy regardless our paths. Living, developing our skills and experiences is what we're meant to do. For our children, that's what they're doing, learning, experiencing, and regardless if it's difficult at times or not, it's developing strengths and improvements within ourselves a long the way. So as we move forward as a larger family with many different transitions, we all will grow together, learn to know one another over and over with age and despite all our separate opinions about what we should look like, how we should be - we just will be the best we can be. I've stated this before, I don't separate our children into birth/adoptive labels unless I'm addressing certain topics. All our children are our children. I just wanted to touch base on the "what if we didn't adopt" and on how I feel what that would of looked like for our birth children, for myself and my husband. Concluding, if I can turn back time and do things differently, would I? No. I don't see how it would have been any better and/or any easier. What I "think" for sure......personalities started from genetics, how we build and enhance them is on ourselves with time. Our family dynamics and surroundings is just a piece to our life puzzle. Our birth children wouldn't have had it any better, our adoptive children wouldn't be together as siblings - so if we didn't adopt - it WOULD have looked differently but not as positive as it does now.