Total Pageviews

Sunday, October 23, 2011

"Honor what can be"

Have you ever felt that you've had a run of the worst luck?  I could feel that way but interestingly enough, I don't. Over three years ago I found a lump in my left breast. Basically it was removed, tested and it was benign. Otherwise a growth that was not cancerous. Anyone who finds something that shouldn't be there worries. It's good to worry because it initiates our own responsibilities to look after ourselves. To be tested. Three years ago I remember in detail the appointments, the time framing before the day surgery removing the foreign mass. There was those uncomfortable appointments, the mammograms and ultrasounds. There was a feeling of unknown. After the surgery there was the waiting process. For myself and probably like many others it's always in the back of our minds. Questioning, "Is this Breast Cancer?" I have someone very close to me that indeed had breast cancer, fought and had a double mastectomy from finding a little lump the size of a kidney bean. Her prognoses wasn't good but she's alive today and cancer free. I think the most of us attend our days without thought about our own health. It's not even about falling unexpectedly ill, who knows when it's our time. I know we can't donate to every cause but who knows that that cause won't be ours. I've come to a realization that my health is very important. I have children but many children that need my presence. My husband without me will struggle. That's indeed the facts. So in my mind, I cannot leave this world until at least our youngest is sixteen. We don't know from one week to the next. Three years ago when I was speaking to the specialist with my final results he said to me, "You might be benign but use this as a wake up call, live your life and none of us are safe from disease" Most of my readers are adoptive parents. Remember waiting by the phone, wondering if this was your child/children? That call wouldn't come. If you haven't waited for a test, it's the same idea. The anxiety builds inside and you want to call, perhaps you call and there is no answers. There is nothing anyone can do but wait. I've been there on several levels. And like adoption, like a disease, if you haven't been in that situation, it's hard to understand. Sometimes hard to support. So what do we do? Everything is internalized. For me, it's mostly burden or why worry another because ultimately the unknown just is, so why burden? That's why there is some people you never knew was sick, or you didn't know they were adopting until their child is placed. It's less stress, less explanation. Less disappointment. I believe this is a rationalized secret until the facts present themselves. I'm writing this because I know all too well about waiting for results. Regardless if it's with health or adoption. We all make decisions accordingly on how to approach our family and friends. I really think that's "Ok" In the meantime, living, enjoying our time with everyone in our life is crucial because who knows. Something I explain to our children all the time - there will be ongoing events of loss so enjoy each other. Treat each other well, love as if every day were its last. I'm turning 39 and I really honor life. Most importantly I believe my inner qualities come from respecting what is and "can be" with personal strength...............and push on from there. We can wait for that phone call, it's on how we're going to deal with it, when it rings.................

No comments:

Post a Comment