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Monday, September 19, 2011

"One day at a time"

Finally with some hard wiring directly from our wall, I was able to access the internet. Recently we pulled the wireless access from our house which spiralled a complete shutdown. Not that having no internet is horrible but like most others I correspond through emails. (And I write) Our weekend that past was extremely difficult. I won't get into details but it involved the police, lots of escalated drama, mainly more enlightenment's for my husband and I. Teenagers in general aren't a bed of roses but when you add possible underlying mental illnesses, it's a whole new ball game. It's feeling like you're on a roller coaster and holding on is the only survival technique I can explain. I will admit that I was a mess. I was angry, disappointed and extremely hurt. I held my composure until it was over then I cried and I cried until I didn't resemble myself anymore. I questioned my life. I did exactly what I say parents shouldn't do, I blamed myself. Not only did I blame myself, I was so disappointed in my child that I didn't know what to do with him/her. I'm protecting him/hers identity by not mentioning gender and age but I do want to write about our past experience and surely not the last. I've chosen to write about it without disclosing much details because it's not about the incident itself, it's more about sharing how I'm dealing with it. Basically any child birth or adopted their personalities can change or alter with maturity. Sometimes that cute little child we love so much that we've grown to have faith in disappoints us. The faith is lost, the trust and for a Mother, it's heart breaking. (Then adding a mental illness) For the teen possibly affected I'm convinced it must be difficult and maddening inside to not understand the altering highs and lows in behaviors. For the family, it's also confusing, frightening and leaves the huge question, "What to do?" Especially during what I will call an "episode" Our decisions was to call the police. Mainly to start a file, start some history that can help while getting our child assessed. Also to protect. I felt broken down as a parent this past weekend but everyday is a new day and I truly still believe everything happens for a reason. This reason was our reality of an ugly truth, an underlying mental illness evolving with maturity. Reality is, we just never know. We don't know as soon as we birth a child what their future holds. We can only hope it's full of joy and many successes. So with our somewhat new enlightenment's we're onto different avenues in search for help. Making necessary adjustments and adding more professionals. In the meantime it feels like damage control around here in hopes that our family members can understand, have patience and mostly everyone is loved unconditionally even if it seems we're caught up in different behaviour situations. When adopting and even having your own children, I hope that everyone is aware that it opens your life up to different challenges. Challenges that will sway from year to year with age. I'm definitely not the perfect parent, I'm still learning, I'm still crying but I'm always trying. Besides bulging swollen eyes, I chuckled tonight at our five year old son loosing his first tooth! He was SO thrilled, SO happy to put his first tooth under his pillow. He played with it in bed then started to cry. I asked him, "What's wrong?" He said, "The tooth fairy isn't coming because I lost my tooth!" He lost his tooth while playing with it. So my husband wrote a note: Dear Tooth Fairy, I lost my tooth, can you please still come tonight and I promise I will find my tooth and place it where it belongs. The tooth fairy will show tonight with brighter beginnings hopefully for tomorrow. Another great chuckle I had again tonight was our children spotted a friendly owl. The owl was just sitting there, watching our children play. One of our sons was beneath the owl.....the owl repositioned itself on it's branch and pooped! It was classic, I laughed....but there wasn't any sweet revenge, the owl missed by an inch! It was funny regardless and sometimes that's all a parent needs. A little chuckle and a reminder to take one day at a time. Just like the tooth fairy, she'll be here tomorrow.

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