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Friday, September 13, 2013

Forever intense mother

My oldest son once told me I was "intense" I was this mother that gave my life for my children. "I was too involved" Recently I returned from yet another trip driving one of our older sons up north. Previous to that, I flew across Canada bringing my daughter home. Previous to that it was bus tickets, plane tickets, vehicles, endless vehicle repairs....it was sometimes endless nights crying in my room. I was intense. In fact I am intense. I am a one hundred percent dedicated intense mother that would fly anywhere at anytime giving me at least one hour to prepare. I never ever thought during the most challenging times I would forgive. I didn't know how. I was hurt. Disappointed. I was grieving during some of my children's teen years. I completely admit it. I came accustomed to the endless ministry and constable phone calls. I lost hope. I was threatened from different sources. I felt I failed. We had some challenging times. Ironically today I wouldn't change anything. My oldest son who didn't want us as his family for two years is one of my sweetest, loving and most personable sons that I'm very fond of today. My second oldest daughter who jumped around from birth family to birth family with her boyfriend and had a beautiful baby girl is home, back in school while her boyfriend works - we're rekindling lost time. Time I thought that would never return. All my children (even when I thought I wouldn't do anything more for) I would cross the miles and make the effort for our forever. Which brings my attention to my intense personality that my son called so well. I honestly can not help myself......I can make comments and really, really mean those comments - meaning that I've been so hurt that those comments seem real at that time but when push comes to shove.....I love. I can't just stop being my children's mother. I am forever intense. Adoption and actually.....having children in general isn't easy. Raising teenagers is the most difficult years you will ever experience as a parent. For us (so far) the adolescent years are by far the worst. Usually there is a light....an opening where the bulb has been turned on. Although I find to get to the turned on light bulb is patience, understanding and what was extremely huge for me - forgiveness. I believe the teenager years is the worst. Being 40 years old, I can't think of a more difficult time - Teenagers hate their parents anyways....then add the dynamics of adoption. "You're not my real parent" Then the search is on.....the behaviours excel beyond control. This doesn't mean we weren't good parents, or we weren't "real" parents, this means it's time to let our teens figure it out. This is what I learned......I'm not saying it's not hard. It's devastating but in order for life to iron out in a healthy manner - it needs to happen and as a parent, we need to forgive, love and move on. For my children, I will do anything. I know that of me. I do agree with my oldest son - I am intense. At least I'm not in denial, I also am not in denial about being crazy either because personally that part of me is a special gift I embrace. lol Family I don't take lightly. I never have. There isn't a doubt in my mind ever regardless what my children will go through, and on how they will treat me or what they might believe during their debut -  I am still their mother. I am forever intense and will continue to make decisions for our family regardless what anyone thinks. One important aspect raising a family like mine, after a while it doesn't matter about outside opinions. The real family and friends remain regardless. If anyone tells you "forever" doesn't exist, I care to differ - it does if we choose too, if not in person.....within our hearts. I know now.....children are my life. It's my ministry. I couldn't live without them and adoption brought me many wonderful, challenging and special individuals that I can proudly say, "I am their forever intense mother"

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