A yellow rose

"Together Strong"

I just wanted to write and say, "Thank you" to every one that has been thinking of us, sending their wishes, praying, and helping and supporting in one form or another. I wish I had hundreds of yellow roses to give to each and every one of you. My appreciation is deep and it brings tears to my eyes that there is so many beautiful people out there. I thank you for just showing me that compassion for even strangers still exist. Above all, that has touched my heart the most. 

Betrayal of our medical system

It's an emotional roller coaster. A coaster that could have been avoided 14 days ago. I trusted our medical emergency departments with the life of a loved one. 1, 2 and 3 at NRGH (Nanaimo Regional General Hospital) once by ambulance. All three times sent home with more pain killers for nerve damage. My mother in law and I drove my deathly sick husband to Victoria General (after talking on the nurse help line) There I begged the emergency department to admit him. "Please give him the tests that he needs" We sat in these emergency departments for hours, waiting for our turn while my husband was hunched over in a wheelchair. During Victoria General's visit the emergency doctor took us into a casting room that looked like a closet. From there he said, "I heard you want him admitted? This isn't going to happen" He was looking over the previous Nanaimo emerg visits and mentioned that we were at Nanaimo General three times prior for nerve damage. We explained, "Yes but we can't control his pain and he's getting worse every day, his heel is swollen, and he can't even hold up his own head" "We are waiting for an ultrasound on this foreign lump at the back of his neck" The emerg doctor didn't even assess his heal. Then proceeded to press on the lump (like it was a pressure point) Then he said, "You have too many fish in the sea" "He has nerve damage, we will make him comfortable, (two shots of pain meds) make sure you give him the adequate amount of pain killers and call for a massage therapist" No tests. I felt like we were treated like hypochondriacs looking for more pain killers. From there (emergency number 4) we wheeled him out with his mouth open. Drove home. I couldn't have him at home. It was traumatizing to our children. He was delusional. He had severe pain all over his body and could hardly walk. He wasn't eating. He was then moved to his mothers. A day later we begged for a VIHA nurse and a mobile lab service to go see him. The next day after that nurse visit, she called 911. From there he was transferred to the Comox hospital. Finally the Comox hospital found out that he was in Septic Shock and had an infection that spread throughout his whole body. He was then air lifted back to Victoria General. That is where he remains today, day 14 in ICU in critical condition. He has puss from his C1-T4 in his spine. He has puss collection in two areas of his heart. One in his lungs. His body is completely swollen and he's fighting for his life. His white cell count was up at 48 when he arrived. His BP (Blood Pressure) is all over the place. His pulse 130. Now I can go on and on but basically his body is septic. Right now we are told it's day by day. They're hoping that the antibiotics will slowly kill the infection however if it's unsuccessful, he will need open spinal and heart surgery. The reason why I'm sharing isn't because I need to get it off my chest this time....."some writing therapy" Our family has been turned upside down due to the lack of medical support. Our sixteen children wouldn't be suffering wondering and crying nightly if we had help. If we were heard. I have many emotions. I'm angry. I'm emotionally very upset. I go back and forth every day to Victoria General to be by his bedside and hopefully see some improvement. All I see is pain and unnecessary suffering. I come home and try to console some of my children while they cry themselves to sleep. Then I'm left to do the same. I'm so angry.....and it's very hard for me to speak with any one, to be out in public, to be me anymore. I can't control my emotions. I worry about the future not only for us but for others. Where do we go for help? We begged for help and we were turned away like chronic complainers. I felt it. I worry for the next time, I worry for others. Now as my husband is fighting for his life, and I'm juggling life - I pre-warn every one that if you feel that your medical care hasn't been addressed, don't even leave the hospital. That's something I regret, I shouldn't have wheeled him out in that condition. I should have made a scene, sat in the hallway and demanded answers. I know now. I know that we need to fight like hell to be heard. I'm writing this and exposing what's happened. Not only am I writing this, there is an investigation starting with both hospital emergency departments and our television news has been contacted. People need to be aware of the possible dangers of health emergencies not being met. I'm extremely exhausted. I'm surprised I can write this right now. I thought I was at a loss for words......then after leaving my husband's bedside today, 14 days and counting....after hearing they are now testing his liver function (of course not a surprise) then coming home to crying children - I have words. Our voice is going to be heard this time. Then I will forgive so we can heal.

Seen below is how we left the Emergency Department in Victoria General.

Left hand side he's healthy. Right hand side is how I wheeled him out of Emergency because they wouldn't admit us.

Within seconds.....

Life is amazing when it's heading in the right direction. Well....eliminating our "normal" challenges our life was moving smoothly. Then it only takes a few seconds in a day.... and that life running smoothly is on an unexpected rocky path. I've always believed that somehow we are the chosen ones to face all odds, and just maybe there's some truth. Last Tuesday (June 2nd) approx. 1 pm my husband came in with severe pain. He's always had chronic back pain due to past injuries. So at the time, we thought his previous injuries have surfaced. They still might have.... however his pain escalated to the point where he couldn't function. It's been a week and my husband is basically incapacitated. We have been to the hospital four times. Two different hospitals. Each time hes given different pain medications. We have been told that he has severe nerve damage in his spine. There is a lump on the left hand side between his shoulder blades, below his neck that has been unattended too. This guy that I know very well has a high pain tolerance. He hates hospitals. Today (June 8th) he is almost unrecognizable. His face has sunken in due to the lack of food. He's hallucinating also due to the lack of food while taking pain medication. His whole body is affected. He hobbles due to a swollen ankle. He's lost use of his upper limbs, he has intolerable severe pain.  He can't sleep. He barely eats because he can't swallow. I tried to care for him for four days while looking after my other twelve children at home. I started to notice that our children were becoming traumatized. Our children were crying. My adult children were crying. Our little Emily doesn't understand and now constantly yells, "Broken Daddy" I made the decision to have him stay with his mother during recovery. It was one of the hardest things I have done. My husband was so "not there" anymore. The only time we heard anything from him, it was yelling from pain. He would be in and out of consciousness. Sometimes just passed out drueling.  I felt helpless again. It was an easy transition for him moving to his mothers house because he didn't really know what was happening...... after coming back from the hospital (after begging them to admit him) I left him in his mothers car and explained this is for the best. I walked away. My two older sons followed them out. They went to help him inside his mothers house. When they returned, my almost twenty two year old son was crying. My sixteen year old son reconfirmed and said, "It was for the best Mom, we can't do this, it's too horrifying. I'm so upset seeing him like this. The younger kids shouldn't witness this" Just then, I knew I made the right choice. He couldn't recover here peacefully. And it would be too traumatizing for our children. This was on (June 7th) I didn't think I could parent twelve children under these circumstances. Emotionally I'm wiped. I honestly don't even want to talk about it anymore let alone write. However writing is my therapy outlet. This past week has been a roller coaster. Also a coaster of changes. My two littlest keep asking where their Daddy is. Our Emily sometimes has emotional outbursts screaming, "Come back here Daddy" "Daddy where are you?" "Daddy? Daddy?" Even today she watched out the window and with every car she would yell, "Daddy's home now" Emily loves her daddy and has a very deep connection with him. It's very sad to witness. I hide my tears all the time. I keep saying, "Daddy is working, it's ok" For my own sanity, I have been keeping our house maintained. Laundry, cleaning, homeschooling, cooking....eating. The busier I am the better. Right now I look outside and it's beautiful. The weather is hot. When this happened my husband was building the hot tub area for our daughters therapy. I look at it now resting where he left it. Everything has changed within seconds. We ordered a pool. It will probably come this week. Everything that we planned, everything that was our normal seems lost. Being the only adult here I feel lonely. I have to remain strong for my children but when I smashed my elbow tonight, I just wanted to fall down and bawl my eyes out BUT there was Emily. I stood beside her while she was sitting on her hospital bed and brushed her hair telling her how beautiful she was and that I loved her. Today I'm wishing a quick recovery. We don't know. We were told it will be weeks, even months or longer. It's just one of those crap shoots that can physically disable you for life. At first, after four hospital visits, and a doctors apt we were hoping for that magical cure, and if not a cure, help. We didn't receive anything but pain killers. So ok....I've come to terms with this. There is nothing anyone can do. It's time, it's physio, it's hope. All I know is that all our children need their father back, and my hands are tied. I'm hopeless. This is the worst physical crippling I have ever seen in all my years of first aid. So I don't know what our summer holds, or our future right now....I am trying to stay optimistic believing that this happened for a reason.  I can't help but think it's happened to show us, show me what an asset he really is, and now that he's momentarily gone - we all can feel it. However this man doesn't deserve this. To conclude, I have been working on setting up nursing care and I want to remind everyone that you need to live your life, you need to cherish every moment because within seconds it can be over.  

Running with appreciation

I want to address something extremely important! If you don't know already, we and with the help of ALL of you raised enough money for our daughters mobility. A all terrain jogging stroller that we will use forever (unless our Emily walks) We appreciate every one so much. Our daughter LOVES her stroller! We can go anywhere now with ease. Nightly I've been jogging with her, approx 4 km. Then it dawned on me, I want to do a half marathon with my daughter to celebrate! SO that's what we are going to train for and I wanted to share because without all of you, this wouldn't be a reality! 💪👏 We are together strong!

After having my tarot card reading and after writing about it in my previous post I've been non stop thinking. Today I decided to sign up for some VIU (Vancouver Island University) courses including writing and counseling. I'm starting to feel pumped. I'm not just that house wife OR that upside down naked woman! I am a trail blazer! Anyhow, I have been conquering my little hill (Notch Hill) 3-4 times a week and I have been jogging our loop (4 km) every night. Just lately (with the great weather) I have been jogging with our youngest daughter (seen above in her new stroller) Long story longer I had this brilliant idea. I have always wanted to run a marathon. In fact, I paid and was registered for the Good Life Marathon one year before my own hip deceived me. I had to cancel then. Now I feel bound and determined to run a half marathon. Same one I signed up before BUT this time with my daughter in front of me. Timing doesn't matter to me, finishing does! Finishing with her. If you haven't been following my blog, and are just tuning in now....our little Emily has been recovering from dual hip and groin surgeries. It was a difficult and challenging time for our family. During this time we raised $5000.00 to purchase this all terrain jogging stroller with Emily's Angels. Emily's Angels continues located on face book. This reality, this dream wouldn't have come true without all of your support! So now we are running with appreciation. I will share our journey, our challenges and we will conquer our first half marathon together this October! October 11th, the Good Life Marathon in Victoria BC!
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door and open it. I'm back on track and so is my writing! Stay tuned!  

I'm not just that upside down naked woman

A good friend of mine invited me to attend a Tarot Card reading. Both of us shared our experiences together. It was a great reading. The cards for the both of us aligned perfectly onto how our lives are right now. I will just write about my personal experience. As you know (or can tell) I have been struggling with writing. I think it's because lately I've been consumed with some negative enlightenment's in our life that is beyond my control. And if we know anything about control, we don't have any. So this Tarot Card reading couldn't have come at a better time. My first card that was laid was an upside down naked woman. Normally this card would represent a prideful woman. However in my case, I was upside down. Completely how I have been feeling these days. My existence is a homemaker. I breathe raising my family. I home school. In my past I was a supervisor at our local restaurant, weekly I looked after an elderly man. I was a first aider at our local mountain. I was always avidly working and supporting outside our home. First off I'm not complaining. I love my life, and my family. However ( within my Tarot Card reading) I as an individual have indeed lost myself. Can I be that proud naked woman standing upright confident within herself solely being a home maker? When people ask me what I do...I always say quietly, “I'm a stay at home mom, I home school” I personally need a different answer. My Tarot Card reading was bang on. I need adventure. I need change. I need something significant for me. To uplift who I am as a woman. Not just that house wife raising children while becoming a shadow in our world. That's not just me. I'm not just that house wife shadow. Funny....I do write about this all the time. That's probably why I write about it, because I know what I need, I know that action is key to any ones success. I can write about this over and over again but I will still remain that upside down naked woman. In the middle of my Tarot Card reading was acknowledgment. Acknowledging that I do indeed need to make some changes for myself with the support of this king. A king card presented itself. That was my husband. I told the Tarot reader that my husband is my supporter, and that we believe in having individual dreams. So with knowing it, but not really addressing it with actions – I still know what I need to do. Turning that knowing into realities. See I can still conquer this house wife life but to truly become that confident proud standing straight up naked woman, I need to enhance myself. I need to release all negatives, all judgments and to believe and openly be proud of who I am. At the end of the reading (within my future) there I was. I was making it happen. Concluding, I was pursuing a possible career in counseling for the Ministry, and or both, I was signing up for that journalism course I've written previously about. I was making steps to go over and lend my services to the Country of Nepal. (A place I have been saving, dreaming and learning about for over a decade) I don't want to be that upside down broken woman. I don't want to be that hypocrite writer that advocates taking action when I can't take action for myself. I preach to my children all the time to do what makes you happy, take those steps.....I personally haven't because I'm that confined house wife and mother. I write my dreams while teaching my children to take theirs. It's time. It's my time. It's my Kings time. We can do everything and anything if we set our minds to it. So thank you to my good friend. She treated me to a reading that could possibly finally change my life, and teach what I preach to our children, to live, experience and take actions to make yourself happy. To be proud of yourself. I can't be my childrens' teacher if I don't start with myself. I'm not just that upside down naked woman......

Individuality

I've had a few emails asking if I plan on blogging anytime soon. If you've been following, I do love to write (even with all the errors) as I'm my own uneducated editor. lol We have been busy. Nothing new. On another note I've been struggling personally. Parenting isn't easy at the best of times. Having a larger complex family adds that intensity. Sometimes parents (especially me) don't get it right. We make mistakes. We are human beings. It's interesting on how while parenting, "us parents" get lost in the mix to get it right. I often think......only if children knew we are not the slaves, they are not entitled....that yes us parents are people too. "With interests" I have been taking my hour a day. I also believe that we as parents should support individuality. We are all different. Physically. Mentally. Relationships. Beliefs. What is incredible about life is we're all unique. So that's what I teach our children. To be yourself. You don't have to get married and have babies. You don't have to love the same sex. You don't have to be that lawyer, nor do you have to work the typical 9-5 job. I've written this many times over and still to this day I struggle with judgement. Every day there is looks, snickers, and comments about our family. Perhaps it's our size. Sometimes, yes sometimes it's about our daughter in a wheelchair that happily yells "Hello" to everyone. Yes sometimes I get glared at because I'm full of tattoos. After all, what kind of mother would look like that? Funny.....only if people knew. Only if people would walk in and have my life for only one week, and do what I do on a daily basis - then decide who I am. You know.....we are in 2015 where freedom of expression and equal rights are suppose to be valued and respected. It is not. AND that is why, if anything......I'm here. I feel like I'm an extremist in everything I do. It's all about avocation with me. I would have the rainbow stripes all over my yard for example. I walk what I believe. AND that's to be yourself. You have to be happy. Lately I learned something "again" I have four adult children living their own lives. Some are doing awesome while some are struggling. I tried to guide and support realizing my parenting as their mother needs to step back. I had my time with them. I placed what fundamental skills I could, now it's their turn to find themselves like I have. It's not necessarily going to be how I taught them. I learned that that's ok too. It's their life. I don't live my mothers, they don't need to be living my beliefs or expectations either.  As long as their happy and healthy - be free. And honestly, even if they weren't happy and healthy, they are now on their own learning path. It's true when people say life is a roller coaster because it never really slows down, the directions are forever turning. Right or wrong we are all here for the ride. Too experience...... then "poof".... we become a distant memory. Sometimes I think about what's right....what's wrong....then I keep being redirected to tomorrow - we might not be here - so if harm isn't caused onto others, why judge? Why stress? It's so hard not to judge....I know because I've caught myself. Living unconditionally is actually very hard to do. So I understand. For me trying to advocate individuality.....I still feel like this little bird sitting in the palm of judgmental hands inching my wings outward slowly feeling comfortable with me. I can just imagine all the teenagers and young adults struggling just breaking the surface. To conclude, I know to let your birds go....and to continue to enhance your own individuality being a parent or not. It's the only freedom really we can have, and that comes deep within ourselves. Don't get lost trying to get anything right. Don't think getting things right is about pleasing others. Be yourself - that is what's right. While being yourself, practice loving others being themselves too, that way we all can fly together embracing each others individuality. It's hard enough just getting to that point to soar.  

 

MAY! What!? A few pics....keeping us real!

I can not believe it's May 2015! I'm sorry again for my lack of blogging however life has been grand and that's because we believe anything is possible, that anything can be accomplished with action and we take one day at a time while opening up new opportunities, experiences leaving endless memories! That's us! Now for a few pictures....AND remember, if we can - you can!

Our little angel is doing very well after her hip and groin surgeries back in January!

 Our homeschooling involves the younger crowd too! Schooling doesn't have to confine you to being inside, outdoors is where life is living and thriving! This picture below we are painting with water colors! 

 The birthday's around here are endless. One after another! This is our first of many bowling parties!

 May 15th our son seen below will be having his first surgery. His second (at this time is unknown) will be done at the Children's hospital for a kidney removal. 

 I persevere. I continue to find that hour a day for me! AND of course it involves our great outdoors!

Strength is slowly coming!

 Views from today's home school hike!

 I know this looks like I'm going to the washroom in a self cleaning toilet struggling with bad posture, however if you don't try - you will never know if you could have exceeded or not!

 Our littlest angel loving paddling. She's so beautiful!

 Our creations continue! Seen below, we are selling many different styles. This is our Gypsy Dream line! All our creations our children help make, they complete all the bead work, prep, and design beautiful handmade dream catchers while teaching life skills 

Embrace your surroundings and most importantly, love each other without judgments! 

Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's unbecoming everything that isn't you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place. 

(sexyfoodtherapy.com)

Live your best life - Me.