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Friday, June 28, 2013

A division

I've been contemplating addressing this subject. If I want to further my writing into a novel (which I would love to do....adding an editor) I want it complete with the good and the ugly. This subject is neither, it's just a division. "In my mind" when we were first adopting I thought nothing but positive reactions. I thought if I could open up my heart, everyone one would and accept our new children. I asked myself, "How could they not?" Mostly our family has, but some haven't. It's really "ok" because it's our life not theirs except it does effect everyone in different ways. There was a time I was actively involved in being an Auntie to my nieces and nephews. Now I'm actively involved with my own children hoping that everyone else would have joined me. I've learned that we all have our own life paths and not necessarily is another going to follow. So that leaves a division. Almost a branch that separates but it's still connected from the same tree. Not directly involved. I believe this is common with adoption. We have the adoptive parents, we have the children accepting their chosen life, and we have the family and friends that either accept it or not. Either way, it's a change that not everyone accepts easily. It's interesting because there is a process to adopt. That process doesn't define the impact and what the future holds. In my "novice" years of adopting I really thought it was a positive life choice. One that eventually everyone would welcome. It's not the case......there is going to be a division somewhere with someone within your family, with your friends - and that's the truth. It's something to think about, and be aware that adoption changes everything, and your future completely. Don't get me wrong, I'm pro-adoption but I'm pro-adoption once you know absolutely everything because you don't want to risk potential adoption breakdowns. Besides challenging behavioural forever changing issues as your children grow with different special needs and attachment disorders, if you didn't have a division from the beginning, you could potentially have one with family and friends within your future. The fact is the average individual not living our lives with children with special needs, with attachment issues, with that grieving and loss within their past do not understand their behaviours. They start to blame "adoption" in general or the child, or the parents like me. It creates a division. It will exist sooner or later......I believe that. If it's not with your family or friends, it does exist within the community. That's why I've changed from this shy quiet lady to this huge explosive advocate for my family. I feel like I'm preaching our own gospel hoping to reach understanding and compassion onto why our children are who they are. Onto why I'm the mother I am with this belief that permanency will eventually heal most scars but I can't control any divisions a long our path. Only the individuals dividing themselves can. So be prepared, if you're making huge life decisions like adoption - it can be very isolating in many ways. It's hard asking yourself, (your heart) about the future scenarios without knowing them especially with all that excitement of adopting but from experience, you need to be strong, patient and most importantly forgiving and understanding of that division when it occurs. Because it can happen.....a thought to ponder.

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