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Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Moment one.

"Bitter sweet" seems to be my two words lately. I feel very solemn. It's Christmas Eve. Pretty soon I'm turning off the internet for a few days. So I thought I'd write my updated thoughts. I was awake almost all night thinking about absolutely everything that seems to be challenging lately. Christmas we kept simple. A few sentimental "practical" gifts each. Time is an essence, and that's why I decided to turn off the internet. We have asked for spending time together without handheld devices, computers and games. (Unless they're board games) Human interaction definitely lacks with this generation. Christmas Eve.....I missed my other mother due to feeling ill. Chemotherapy just destroys the immune system. It was nice for my father to visit bearing gifts but this Christmas seems to lack some joy. Some health. While lying awake last night, watching the clock every hour I thought about what I'm going to write about. It struck me. I'm going to be as real as I can, sharing my thoughts, my trials as a mother, a daughter - an individual sharing her emotions right here. You're probably wondering why on earth would I want to do this? You might not want to continue to read. I'm going to because this is one of my support systems. Sharing. Writing. Releasing everything. Not just for myself. "I know I'm not alone" Every one has challenges from time to time. I know so many right now as I write. I want them (you) to know that it's perfectly normal and healthy to release. I never was this emotional person. However now as more challenges surface, this is my outlet. I thank you now for your support continuing to read while I share our challenging journey starting now. I'm going to post each title by moments. This is moment one.  I would like to write a non-fiction book one day. In fact I have started. It will take me ten to twenty years to complete however when it's finished, it will be as raw as I can be without causing anyone grief. 
Moment one. Christmas Eve. As we're getting ready for family to arrive; to enjoy each others company I feel definitely "bitter sweet" I missed my mother today. I could see my fathers hurt in his eyes. He was also holding back like I do. Here I am, like my father, the strong one. I have been watching my youngest daughter laughing and enjoying herself lately. Finally after years of sleepless nights, syringing apple sauces and pedialyte our daughter is in a healthy happy space. All I can think of is how we're going to step back in time a thousand times over. I can't stress enough that I do understand our daughter's surgery has to happen to enhance her life. "I know, I know, I know" I wrote in a previous post on how I felt as a helpless mother when our older son underwent his lung surgery. I was strong for him. However I broke emotionally alone in the hallway of the hospital. I lost it emotionally when I didn't have change for a coffee and the debit machine was shut down. We can't control our emotions all the time, and I don't believe that it's healthy too. So this, I will be sharing with you (when I can) to help me personally get through this as a helpless feeling momma. My husband, another strong soul has stressed his frustrations. Life isn't meant to be easy. I know all these "moments" I will share will one day be hindsight. The light always seems to shine at the end of the experience. For now, it's just the beginning of something brighter, it's just climbing through that dark tunnel first. This is about my emotions. Openly raw-fully sharing in hopes it makes a difference to help others release their hearts too for a healthier soul. Then just maybe I will be able to sleep. Now it's time for Christmas......we will have a good holiday, and I hope you all do too.

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