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Saturday, October 11, 2014

The middle zone.

I wrote two paragraphs then deleted. Then I wrote a sentence. I deleted that. Now here I am writing about deleting what I previously wrote. Imagine that. Not much content. I have a lot of mixed thoughts and emotions. My grammar and sentence structure is as mixed as my thoughts leaving me deleting. Even as I write I'm questioning myself where to begin. I write about experiencing life and living to our fullest all the time. Our family with many challenges accomplish more then most. However when a new challenge surfaces, it's something that needs to be digested. Whatever the new information is, we as human beings need to not only digest, and possibly grieve in one form or another, we need to figure out what works best to deal with the new enlightenment's. For me, when I found out about our littlest daughter's physical condition on her hips, I was devastated. It's not because of the operation. I know she needs this operation. I know it will benefit her potential to walk one day and to make her anatomically correct without the ongoing chronic discomfort she has now. (I know this is about my daughter) I've heard several times from different people that it's my daughter's trials not mine. "This will enhance my daughter's life" Everyone is absolutely right. However I am human. I am my daughter's mother in a space where I feel helpless. In the same place where I felt helpless before. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel but I'm a mother. I don't want to see my children struggle or in pain. "I am strong while with my children"..... but I need to release how I feel, feeling helpless as a mother and there is nothing I can do to change what is. No one will understand unless they're in a helpless place like I've been with my children. I do want you to know that this place doesn't consume me. It comes in waves and I deal with my own heart the best way I know how. And that's with living. That's with experiencing everything we can. That's with creating angels and offering hope to others. I am strong for my family but I also need some understanding and compassion for how I feel. I feel like I'm in a hard place right now. I'm preparing our daughter for surgery. I'm preparing our family. I'm preparing myself. However I'm trapped within the middle zone. We have accepted what is. We are prepared as much as we can be. We know the outcome will be beneficial and will enhance our daughter's life. It's the recovery that's unknown. I've called it the middle zone where it's not as simple as some may think. We have the cognitive piece that really overseas the whole recovery period. As much as the surgeon says, "If it hurts, she will stop moving" Not necessarily. Will she relax and watch movies, and read books? "No" Will she eat? "No she will not" Will this complicate her recovery from the hip surgery? Definitely - this heightens everything. Am I worrying or obsessing over our daughter's recovery? "Perhaps" However I know our daughter and I don't need to here that it's going to be "Ok" I know in the future it will be ok ( I hope ) but it's not ok to remain smiling when someone you love is in substantial pain not knowing why. This somehow I can't accomplish. If my daughter was cognitively able to understand everything, where she doesn't shut down completely, where I can vocally walk her through this with understanding, it would be easier. This isn't easy. Regardless and however I try to look at it.....our daughter's recovery scares me. (I've spent weeks in hospitals before with my daughter) I know in some individuals eyes I'm this pathetic mother internalizing my daughter's condition into something more. If you know me, I'm not for drama and I'm definitely not for negative experiences. I don't know what the future holds for any of us. Around here we live one day at a time because we're not just living with disability challenges, we're living with special needs and that is a whole other ball game. The middle zone is the unknown. It's that grey area where everything ultimately is grey until the end of the tunnel appears and as a realist, I believe it can go either way. It's between the A-B with the middle zone where all we need is support, understanding and a hug. Funny....I never knew what a real hug, and a listening heart meant until recently and whatever your situation is - follow your heart, express your feelings to people who will listen and understand and most importantly, I believe that in order to keep healthy you need to express, and release your feelings. Don't ever feel ashamed, this is how we heal, learn and strengthen within every challenge. This is what not only Emily's Angels is doing for us, I'm seeing it within others. To conclude a long message that probably should have been deleted, allow yourself to go through your emotions. It's only the middle zone. I know this....however struggling with it as well.


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