Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Love can become "conditioned"
Lately I've been writing about topics that risk opinionated judgements, possibly arguments associated with the topic and definitely slander from the teenagers that continue to read regardless how much they say, "I don't need you in my life" There's a wide variety of individuals that read my blog that I can't continue to make happy however what I write is only merely my thoughts that generate from my own experience. I would like to write a book one day and that book will be a topic for conversation I'm sure. Perhaps I'm preparing for that, lol.....but as I've previously stated, books sell because they're enticing to read...good, bad or indifferent. I read factual books for inspiration and ideas. I take what I want and leave what I might not agree with. This can be the same on here. Here I go again......so some families only have young children or a few children that haven't really given them any grief. (yet) Most of our children are a breeze. We have had two out of fourteen so far that was or is completely disrespectful and defiant. I'm also writing explaining this IS on the severe side of what a parent should experience. Of course for us we have attachment issues, fetal alcohol syndrome and mental illnesses present. So on behalf of the teenager going through puberty and seeking their own independence there is justifiable reasons on why a situation is a situation. Here is where my experience and only an opinion exists that I want to share. I'm going to write hypothetically, so when your beautiful cute little child turns fifteen or sixteen and does a complete 360 in personality with foreign behaviours it's a complete shock, disappointment and perhaps with disbelief. Parents don't want to believe their child is out of control, their child turns into someone they don't know and the parent also feels confused onto why they've turned into the target of hate and abuse. Stealing, lying and swearing is the only traits left within once a beautiful cute little child. We've had our experience. Our home is quite peaceful and very well harmonized right now because our only one disarranged teenager is still a run-away apparently doing well on his/her own. (According to the teen) The interesting part is, the only contact is when the teen wants or needs something. That apparently is "trying" to communicate and make mends. Ok......I have had several different ways within the last three years in dealing with certain scenarios. My personal advice with experience is don't continue to run after your teenager. They run farther away. Not only do they run farther, you're opening yourself up to more abuse verbally and possibly physically. Yes they're still technically under age and classified as children and our responsibility but there is an end to the madness. It took me almost three years chasing teenagers, buying bus tickets, plane tickets and handing out money to realize I was only being used, abused and most importantly I was enabling their behaviors to continue. I've always believed in unconditional love......I still love of course unconditionally BUT now there is conditions. When a parent is abused mentally, physically and your family is at risk......this develops conditions. My focus now is on the rest of our family not any run-aways. The conditions layed out is now on the teenager. In order to come home, there is a time limit to develop trust. Which consists of counseling, education and yes our conditions. I completely understand this is a ridiculous request for the teenager to handle, but it's their decision. If they want a healthy respectful relationship, they now have to earn it. I also know they won't seek it until they hit rock bottom. So we will see. It might happen, it might not, it might happen 20 years from now but the conditions will still exist in order to protect the rest of our children, our family, myself and to show the rest of our children that behaviors like this is unacceptable. This is one of my new enlightenment's as a parent......I will not enable by helping in anyway, any form while a teenager decides to run and take their life into their own hands. This might sound slightly cold but I guarantee if you haven't experienced (hopefully never will) but when and if you do, you will go through all the emotions and mistakes I did. Now I don't respond, I don't run around like a stalker nor do I follow on the internet. This has enhanced myself as a Mother for the rest of our children. I also feel very fortunate actually to have the experience I have with a few teenagers and I must thank them because if there is a next time, I'm prepared. (hopefully) I do have to say with my experience I will continue to share in hopes that it will help other parents deal with their own situations. Honestly I feel at peace now that I say, "No" to almost everything regarding run-aways. I feel stronger as a parent, I feel I have some control and I'm not enabling nor responsible for any contributions into his/her chosen life. Some will say that's "horrible parenting" but I don't care and I disagree. I believe to remain strong as a parent, do what's best that sits in my heart, don't argue with myself and eventually the light shines; if not, it's unfortunate because children/teenagers need that type of hard love and guidance regardless if they hate it or not. My Mom once told me when I was a teenager, "Just wait until you have children, you will then understand" Just like our teenagers, just wait until you have children - "that circle of life with pay backs"....... you will remember your past and in your heart feel sorry for how you treated your parents. With experience comes understanding and that ignorance diminishes. For now, it's about our children that remain home, it's about my husband and I as we're the ones holding our family unit tight with respect, happiness, health and furthering childhood memories. I believe; to be a good parent is not to consume yourself into your child's behaviors but to rise above and keep everything and including yourself in control. I've been a Mother for twenty two years, I have experienced almost everything and I'm still learning. I feel happy, healthy and strong with my decisions in this past year. Most importantly I've learned not to loose myself within that sporadic chaos that can pleasantly surprise us and being a parent, most of us will experience those surprises sooner or later. Today I wish every parent the right decisions, the strength and to know they're not alone with their difficult children, to wish them peace within their hearts and to remind them; it's not about them. To tell yourself, "You ARE a good Mother and Father" Regardless what anyone thinks, I know I am. My husband and I have dedicated our lives (not perfectly) but have dedicated and that's all I need to walk peacefully within my heart. In conclusion, to all parents; do more for yourself because without a happy healthy parent, the family unit can crumble. After all, we are the glue - so set the conditions.