Friday, January 2, 2015
Moment two - "I don't know anything"
It's Friday night. I made dinner for our family, then I took two of my older children out for dinner. Then I came home to pack. As I packed with Emily by my side, I tried to explain what we're doing. What's going to happen.... she just smiled at me showing me her empty kinder egg. I remember years ago when we were in and out of the hospital due to her not eating because of sicknesses. We always tried to avoid any illnesses because we didn't want our daughter back in the hospital. My husband and I syringe fed her. We were up all night long with broken nights. I don't even know how many now. The past year has been great. No hospitals. No sicknesses. We were on a roll. Knowing that life has to get worse, to get better is so bitter right now. I've tried absolutely everything to keep busy, to have our best months possible and while I pack I can't help feeling helpless, soured that life has to head in this direction for our daughter, for us. Have you ever had the feeling of getting ahead, getting through all those endless sleepless nights and days then to feeling you're stepping one hundred thousand times backwards!? This is how we feel. As much as I'm trying to be positive, I can't help but envisioning whats next. So I hate this. I actually hate this so much. I don't know anything. I feel like a grumpy sad mother. I started packing my Oprah magazines and books that had inspiring stories in them. Then I took them out of my bag. What could I possibly read to make anything better right now? I have one full day with my family, then my daughter and I will leave towards the hospital. I do have somethings planned, some visiting and some fun adventures before admittance. Then from there......I don't know anything. I hate this feeling. I hate the fact I'm told it's going to be "ok" I know eventually everything will be "ok" I don't care about that right now. I know people have heard enough. I've tried hard to keep our emotions under wrap. Maybe I'm making a big deal over her hip surgeries. However I doubt that. I know how challenging its been while keeping positive through everything. I feel now our emotions will be hard to control. Good bad or indifferent this is our reality for awhile. I don't like this part of parenthood. I don't like the fact that our daughter (and other children) suffer immensely. Born and forever fighting for mobility. Pain that most children never endure. Challenges that they don't exactly understand. I was told once that it's not my trials to absorb. Interesting comment given I'm her mother. A comment that really bothered me was, "You didn't have to adopt her" No we didn't. Ignorant is my only word for this. If she was my birth child born with disabilities and challenges, would that have provided a more compassionate comment? This is my last post before our daughters surgery. As I finish packing, struggling through mixed emotions I look around. I miss my other children already. I feel sorry for them that their parents are preoccupied, and frustrated. How do they feel? How will they feel when I return with their sister? It's not something children witness everyday. Definitely life skills that some children, some adults never see. So here we go....hopefully these surgeries will have our daughter walking one day. At least after her recovery period, her chronic discomfort should dissipate.....we hope. When I can, I will write on how her surgery went.