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Wednesday, May 10, 2017

"Dancing in our own tornado"



Sentence after sentence I have deleted. I have the thoughts but trying to write it perfectly so readers understand without assuming or judging can be hard to do. I’ve always known that the path we’ve chosen is a challenging one. We seem to have moved forward in a positive direction however it’s not easy. Last night I painted a very messy creation of a naked pole dancer holding on tight while spiraling inside a tornado. I feel that way sometimes. I keep dancing, I keep painting, I keep writing, I continue to hang on hoping that the choices I make in this life will not only serve me well, my family. I’ve always been a bit of a rebel. A think a good rebel. A mother, a wife and a daughter that teaches to accept differences and through me, I hope that people can see that it doesn’t matter what you look like, it doesn’t matter about the differences, and or choices that one makes, what matters is that we are all accepting of one another while being loving and kind. All of us trying to conform in unity as the same isn’t a happiness that is true. So as I raise my children I try to raise them happy. To be themselves. Unfortunately this isn’t the case for some. We are dealing with different conditions and mental illnesses that are far beyond our control. We are dealing with health challenges that are beyond our medical system. This leaves me dancing in our own tornado. I continue to be this proactive, dedicated, semi-crazy, different, fun, wife and mother but sometimes inside that tornado I get hit by rocks that brings me down. Then I question myself. I question absolutely everything. I know everybody feels this way from time to time. It’s just life. We all go through storms. Most of us manage to hang on. We know and understand that this too shall pass. I’m going to be honest here. For the last two years since my husband has been sick it’s been very difficult. Even though we have been moving forward the best we know how, it’s been a health shit storm. Definitely a wild tornado that continues to surface. It’s hard to remain happy and positive when you continue to get hit with rocks. That is why I started pole fitness. That is why I started painting. We all need an external focus other then what’s inside the tornado. That is the key. Whatever challenges you are having in your life, if its health, finances, children, friends, family – well you name it….and you feel that it’s out of control and basically you can’t change what is. The key is hanging on for YOURSELF. You are no good to no one if you’re not hanging on. Mental health plays a role in all of us, we need to recognize it then decide on how we are going to deal with it. For me, it’s as simple as remaining proactive in all that I do. Every day. At least an hour a day for myself. Small hikes. Getting outdoors, breathing in the fresh air, even screaming out into our universe is a healthy release method that helps. Life is not easy for any of us. That’s why I’m sharing because I know that (I) we are not alone. I feel that I’m here to support not only my family, not only myself but I’m here to support you in any way that I can. And that’s through sharing my life. Sharing also is a form or therapy. Don’t be afraid to reach out. Anyone who personally knows me, knows that I am here to listen and if you don’t want to share but need reinsurance that it’s going to be okay, I am here to personally share our rocks and provide how we cope. It is hard to be a parent, it is hard to pick up the broken pieces from wherever they fell. People always say, “Wow I’m envious on how large and well your family is” Don’t be fooled, it’s a challenging path. It’s not for everyone. It’s a 24/7 dedicated path of destruction sometimes. My only advice when other parents come to me when they’re at a loss is, “Don’t be so hard on yourself. We aren’t God. The day we met our children never meant they were ours to control. We are only providing the best atmosphere and possible good philosophies for their continued and hopefully healthy happy futures. We have no control on what happens with illness, we can only change our lifestyle in hopes it helps, be proactive and search for the answers.” “In the end if we are doing the best we can while still hanging on, maybe still in the midst of that tornado, we have to be easy on ourselves” At least an hour a day be good to you, rejuvenate your soul. Continue to tell yourself you’re a beautiful individual. Sometimes it’s easy being kind and loving to others, it’s not as easy to be kind and loving to yourself. Forgive. We aren’t perfect. In conclusion….I wrote this post for me. I’m sure you’re not surprised. As I wrote, I did not judge or criticize myself, I was honest. I acknowledged my tornado. As I’m hanging on while getting hit by rocks I remain calm, patient and I’m continuing to believe that we will survive. I forgive myself for everything I’ve made mistakes on. I am a continued learner and survivor of this tornado called, “Life” For the rest of you, if any of this made sense and relates within your lives, “Hang on, believe in yourself and others, share, support and most importantly, look after you” I am. 

I love you from one human to another. 

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