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Wednesday, October 24, 2018

A Life Nightmare

After my last post, I've tried to write. I would write pages then delete. It's been five months since we lost our oldest daughter. My only biological daughter and I still carry this heaviness inside my chest. I wear a mask and I walk day by day coping as best as I can. Unfortunately I am haunted by my own mind. It becomes consuming. I think about our last phone call. Our last text. I think about all the good and bad times. I'm consumed by certain events. I count the days. The 24th (even as much as I try to have a more positive outlook) it's filled with anxiety and my head becomes dizzy and unfocused. I can only explain it as if I'm on drugs. Speaking to councilors does not help. My only source I find that helps is speaking to other grieving parents. Then we mourn together. There's this one family, one parent that I've connected with on whom lost their precious daughter the same week. I'm thankful however it's devastating to know they have the same pain. I can only describe it as my chest has been opened and a chunk of my heart has been ripped out and it just aches all the time. I can feel my heart pounding when my anxiety sets in. Anxiety that I really never had before. It comes when I'm out in crowds. Especially when it's people that I know. I've always been very social but now I feel better when I walk into a gathering and no one knows of me. I know that I have lots of supporters and friends that love me. It doesn't take away the loneliness I feel inside. It's indescribable and I only think that parents who have lost understand this. Does time heal? Apparently so I've been told but I don't believe this. I believe it gets easier but as time moves forward, it only gets worse knowing I'm aging without my daughter. Kayla being my first born at a young age was my savior. I always told her this. I will never understand why she was taken. I also feel so selfish lately because it's not all about me. This has changed me forever and I hate knowing that too. It makes me walk day by day even sadder. Sometimes, even as I write this I feel like I'm going to vomit. Physically my heart hurts. Just out of no where everything becomes pounding. That's grief. Why oh why...... I keep telling people that my husband and I just wanted to make a difference in this world....then we are thrown a bad deck of cards for years. How now am I suppose to stay positive? Nothing could be worse then this. I share because I need too. I write because it will always be my passion. I do appreciate every ones support and words of guidance. It does help. However this forever path can not be changed. There's no fork in the road I can veer too. Life is unfair. I used to believe that things happen for a reason. Such bullshit. There's no reason why any one's child should die. Call me “Negative Nancy” but I'm sure most would agree. I guess it will be interesting on how all our paths will unfold, and on how my thoughts will shift as time goes on. I understand that we all grieve differently and only time will reveal. For now, all of this is a dark cloud. That's all I see. Yes I get that my daughter is at peace. Of course she is, she doesn't feel like I do. She doesn't feel at all. All I can conclude at this time is grieving a child is the worst possible nightmare a person can feel. It's a life nightmare. "Forever 28 my baby girl....I miss you more then any of my words can describe and I'm sorry that your momma hurts so much. I know you wouldn't want me too.....but you should be here" I've learned something through this ordeal, you can raise and protect your children throughout their lives but it's never enough. Death happens unexpectedly and without notice. Not one of us will escape it.

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