A Life Nightmare

After my last post, I've tried to write. I would write pages then delete. It's been five months since we lost our oldest daughter. My only biological daughter and I still carry this heaviness inside my chest. I wear a mask and I walk day by day coping as best as I can. Unfortunately I am haunted by my own mind. It becomes consuming. I think about our last phone call. Our last text. I think about all the good and bad times. I'm consumed by certain events. I count the days. The 24^th (even as much as I try to have a more positive outlook) it's filled with anxiety and my head becomes dizzy and unfocused. I can only explain it as if I'm on drugs. Speaking to councilors does not help. My only source I find that helps is speaking to other grieving parents. Then we mourn together. There's this one family, one parent that I've connected with on whom lost their precious daughter the same week. I'm thankful however it's devastating to know they have the same pain. I can only describe it as my chest has been opened and a chunk of my heart has been ripped out and it just aches all the time. I can feel my heart pounding when my anxiety sets in. Anxiety that I really never had before. It comes when I'm out in crowds. Especially when it's people that I know. I've always been very social but now I feel better when I walk into a gathering and no one knows of me. I know that I have lots of supporters and friends that love me. It doesn't take away the loneliness I feel inside. It's indescribable and I only think that parents who have lost understand this. Does time heal? Apparently so I've been told but I don't believe this. I believe it gets easier but as time moves forward, it only gets worse knowing I'm aging without my daughter. Kayla being my first born at a young age was my savior. I always told her this. I will never understand why she was taken. I also feel so selfish lately because it's not all about me. This has changed me forever and I hate knowing that too. It makes me walk day by day even sadder. Sometimes, even as I write this I feel like I'm going to vomit. Physically my heart hurts. Just out of no where everything becomes pounding. That's grief. Why oh why...... I keep telling people that my husband and I just wanted to make a difference in this world....then we are thrown a bad deck of cards for years. How now am I suppose to stay positive? Nothing could be worse then this. I share because I need too. I write because it will always be my passion. I do appreciate every ones support and words of guidance. It does help. However this forever path can not be changed. There's no fork in the road I can veer too. Life is unfair. I used to believe that things happen for a reason. Such bullshit. There's no reason why any one's child should die. Call me “Negative Nancy” but I'm sure most would agree. I guess it will be interesting on how all our paths will unfold, and on how my thoughts will shift as time goes on. I understand that we all grieve differently and only time will reveal. For now, all of this is a dark cloud. That's all I see. Yes I get that my daughter is at peace. Of course she is, she doesn't feel like I do. She doesn't feel at all. All I can conclude at this time is grieving a child is the worst possible nightmare a person can feel. It's a life nightmare. "Forever 28 my baby girl....I miss you more then any of my words can describe and I'm sorry that your momma hurts so much. I know you wouldn't want me too.....but you should be here" I've learned something through this ordeal, you can raise and protect your children throughout their lives but it's never enough. Death happens unexpectedly and without notice. Not one of us will escape it.

RIP Kayla Lynn - :(

It doesn't matter what we all believe. Sickness and death comes. We can all say, “Not my family” but we literally have no control. It comes without notice. I wasn't sure if I was able to write and share my feelings any time soon however writing has been gnawing at me. Our worst nightmare happened on May 24^th. A constable came knocking at our door. He asked to come inside and to move into a private room. Immediately I thought, “Oh great, one of our teenagers did something really bad” I proceeded to tell him that he can tell us here, in our kitchen. My anxiety set in. Then he said, “Your daughter Kayla Lynn Martini has died” My husband and I kept telling him he had the wrong person, that this isn't possible. “Not our daughter” I literally was yelling, “No no no” over and over again for hours while the constable called victim services. When victim services arrived, the constable then stated we needed to proceed in calling immediate family members. “No no no, you have the wrong family......the wrong girl” Shock was setting in. The toilet became my saving grace that night. Everything within my body, my emotions, my physical being.....my heart and soul was being thrown up. This can't be real. How can this be? Not our daughter. Not our family. We are already struggling with a compromised husband and father now our first born, our intelligent and beautiful daughter is gone!? Why!? How!? Not her. Please not her. Oh god.....please not her. “No” All of a sudden my denial, my anxiety, my everything that was thrown up just re-piled into my body. A heavy yet hollow horrible weight. My throat became sore like I swallowed razor blades. Our daughter is gone. The week before the service there was lots going on. Not only was I trying to keep the peace with other peoples emotions, I was organizing (with the help of our family, friends and our community) to have a service hoping that our daughter would have liked. You don't normally talk with your children about how they would want their service. After the service (right or wrong) My husband and I had to deal with debts, bills, endless costs, paperwork, our daughters belongings, picking up our daughters ashes....you name it – everything was hard. Most of every one was gone too except for close friends and family. It became quieter. The flowers were dying. All of a sudden our new normal was setting in. It's true. Our daughter is definitely gone. OMG. It's been only two months but as every day passes it seems like eternity not hearing from her. I canceled our trip together which felt like another loss. As a grieving mother.....my experience is heavy. I feel heavy inside with a sore throat ALL the time. I may smile but I'm completely devastated. Now that everything is concluded with our daughters death (service, other arrangements, bills, extra) we are left struggling not only with every ones emotions and our own, with peoples questions and rumors. We have heard a lot that I will not repeat. I understand peoples concern. I truly do. I understand when some walk in the other direction when they see me. Here's what you can do. Don't repeat rumors. Don't believe anything you hear. If you see me, I will not bite. It's okay. I joined a grieving site and I've also connected with people who lost. I've found this to be the most beneficial. If you haven't lost, it's hard to understand and I get it. I was that person. I desperately wish I was still that person. The only words one can say is, “I'm sorry” Loosing a child is a parents worst nightmare and unfortunately it is here forever. It will never go away. Grieving will never stop. This is somehow our new normal. There is no time limit with grief. Don't ever say, “Get over it” or “You should be over it” Try to imagine yourself in our shoes. It's been two months and I thought to myself, Wow.....I am devastated but not angry” but guess what? The stages of grief is uncontrollable. It comes and goes without warning. I recently became angry after returning from our much needed road trip. I said and did somethings that I will never forgive myself for. I'm finding out, hurt people hurt people. I feel like I'm loosing myself. I walk, I talk, I continue to live and I'm trying really hard to maintain my daily responsibilities but some days, some hours, sometimes within a minute I'm drowning in grief. I hate this. I don't want this. This isn't me. Where am I and where is my daughter? When I picked up her ashes....I was shocked. I never thought a body would have so much ash. Then inside a little bag was my daughters jewelry that was taken off of her body. I slipped her ring onto my finger where it remains today. It was never meant for me however as sentimental as I am, I won't take it off. I sleep with her elephant. Every time I see anything elephant I contemplate needing it. Some of my family and friends think I'm crazy. Truth....I already was and this tragic life changing event has enhanced that truth. Right, wrong or indifferent when a loss like this happens, life as we once knew it is forever gone. While taking it one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, I know our futures will never be the same. It's July 30^th today as I write this, I miss our daughter. I miss our happiness. I miss worrying about her. One of the most strangest feeling is....not worrying about Kayla. She is gone. A huge shift happened. Life to death. I understand she is at peace but I want to worry about her. I as a mother was looking forward to having a mature adult relationship with her. I was looking forward to traveling and experiencing those next stages of life with her. Kayla was talking about children. Grandchildren I will never get to hold. It's not fair. There is so many parents that have lost their children, and I am so sorry. I am truly sorry for your loss. There is no amount of time that can change what is. It's a loss that we have to live with and from knowing what I know now – we all grieve differently, our grief will last our life time. For people wondering how they can help or what to do when they run into someone like me, just “I'm sorry” works. It's okay to say nothing more. I or whoever who is grieving will take the next step. Thank you for reading this far and understanding. Our daughter Kayla Lynn just turned 28 years old. She loved to travel, she loved people. She had a gentle nature about her. She supported her friends and family. She supported me. She was my rock. My first born. She loved life and lived it. She was intelligent and independent. She was just that amazing beautiful young lady with the world in her hands. I always told her how proud of her I was. I always made sure she knew I supported any of her decisions. I honestly don't know what our future holds. It's a difficult journey. A journey I wish onto no one. Kayla always said, “We all need to live our dash” From the moment we are born to the day we pass. Because of her, I will not fail. I will struggle but I will not fail. I love you so much Kayla Lynn....... I can't worry about you anymore but you're always on my mind and in my heart. Always

April 27th, 2018 - WOW!

Wow! I missed this little sanctuary of thoughts that I've written for over a decade! I still remember fondly of my first typewriter. It was given to me on my twelfth birthday. I upgraded to a electronic typewriter when I turned seventeen! Now look! It's e-books and sharing thoughts simply through face book and Instagram. However I have that writer blood in me where hand written letters, cards, and writing a book is ingrained within my soul. Reading back....I've shared a lot of our life. None that I regret. #memories Another little perk I learned was hash tagging. It's so interesting keeping up with the changing trends and technology. Eventually I won't be able too because I doubt I will remember my name if I live that long. lol Even writing has changed. More made up abbreviations. Anyhow bla bla bla.....I've popped back in. I didn't think I would write on here again but I'm a creature of habit. I may fade in and out, change things up but I always return to what I love. Writing is one of them. Lately most of my time has been consumed with gardening, homeschooling and building my art business, "Rock My Island" In fact I now have a little store inside my home! By appointment, any one can come purchase a gift for any occasion! "Rock My Island" should also be a open page on Face Book for any one to follow. Check it out!

I wanted to also add an update. Our life has been seriously challenging since 2015. We have had hope from the beginning that eventually we can get back on course with our future plans, which included our own home based mechanic and restoration business. This isn’t going to happen. My husband has been through so much. It seems to never end and his pain is unbearable most days. You can’t tell in pictures. Sometimes you can’t tell when seeing him but it’s crippled him. He’s been in severe pain now for several weeks and our answers came in. His L2-3 and L3-4 has severe spinal stenosis. L4-5 and L5-S1 also has severe spinal stenosis and his entire spine has osteophytosis including severe degenerative and generalized disc bulging with central vacuum change including disc herniation is present. He’s been referred to the pain clinic while waiting to see a neurosurgeon in Victoria for spinal surgery. (His spine has been affecting everything) It’s just sad. Maddening. Frustrating. With still eleven kiddos at home, and a future we have been trying hard to maintain came down. Yet inside me knows we will figure this out. So while we wait.....we carry on. Our productivity, and our daily life continues.

Now I'm going to address another topic. This below paragraph is from my blog about other parents homing "run-aways"  I just sigh. These parents think they're helping. Come on.....any one with common sense knows housing someone elses teenager is not supporting any one but enabling the problem.

I'm tired of being silent about this issue that is so bizarre to me. "Housing run-aways" Our family dynamics with different special needs and attachment issues will likely heighten our percentage for teen run-aways. What I don't understand is why parents will house teenagers that aren't their own without consulting or investigating why a teenager deems themselves "homeless?" We're in a society that 99% of the cases there is a home and if not, there is the Ministry of Children and families. So why on earth would a random parent house, feed, clothe and take responsibilities of a youth that isn't theirs? Unfortunately if the answer is because the teen was cold, starving and complaining about their current living conditions, it doesn't hold ground with me. I as a responsible parent would contact their legal guardian. We should all know that teenagers are seeking their independence in one form or another (and if you're not experienced with that) consult someone that can lead you in the right direction. Do not house a child that isn't yours. It's enabling and should be considered against the law. Our teenager is a complete manipulator, therefore opening your door could only cause you grief. You have no idea the past history, any current physical and mental conditions. It's just so mind boggling to me knowing that parents allow someone they do not know into their home. Perhaps it could be a risk to you!? Any how, our teen run-away has been enabled for quite sometime because people believe they should help but in fact they created the opposite. Without knowing the facts. I decided to write about this topic because it's just unbelievable on how many run-away teenagers are enabled to keep running because of individuals claiming they're helping "the teens" situation. There is teenagers everywhere manipulating people and I'm sorry, there should be a consequence for the parents housing children that aren't theirs. That might correct the problem and have less teenagers on the street. I walked by a young teen, dressed wearing a hoody, DC shoes and a clean baseball cap just the other day asking for money because he's apparently homeless. I told him to go home or contact the Ministry. No child is homeless unless they choose to be. I do understand there is certain scenarios that warrant children to run but again, investigate it before opening yourself up to manipulation and a responsibility you will regret. So I'm speaking out for all the families that have run-away teenagers and I want to say, "You're not alone and I understand your frustrations when your child is enabled to run" "It's not your fault and us parents need some recognition that we've done the best we could" I'm no longer silent. If my dear teenager is reading this, you know the truths sweetheart. You know what you need to do and you're not homeless. NOR did you have a horrible home! Homeless people are the poor individuals that come from circumstances that have left them on the street. They have no supports. Teenagers have supports, our children definitely have supports. So whoever you are my only advice is to do your homework. For the parent I'm now discussing here, shame on you. You're ignorant. For our "son" good luck! We have bigger issues at hand right now and you know what they are. You will live with that. Consequences eventually come. 

That above paragraph still rings true today. Now to date; we are moving forward as happily as we can be. Hoping for the best possible health for Gerald as he wasn't given a secure or lengthy health span. Thoughts and prayers are needed. While we persevere! 

Stay strong, positive and productive!