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Wednesday, September 14, 2016

The other side of illness

It's been a year since my husband survived MRSA that went through his complete system causing sepsis and a magnitude of life changing physical and mental challenges. I was hoping to come back and write all the positives that I used too. I smile when I see the sparrows dancing in the sky, it reminds me of that post where I watched these beautiful birds flying and that triggered an enlightening and good story. I often look at pictures from our past, and reflect on how we once were. Illness changed us. I was really hoping by now that we could move forward. Don't get me wrong, we continually move forward day by day however my husband suffers from severe chronic pain, serious heart and organ complications. His brain damage has given him memory loss adding daily frustrations. There is nothing that we can do. I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for our family. I feel sorry for our children. Every morning I check to see if he's still breathing. Today, I had my own doctors appointment. He told me that I need to stay healthy due to all the unknowns with my husband. Our doctor teared up stating he realized how important it is for me to remain healthy and strong. What does that mean? For my husband he continues with his weekly blood tests and ongoing MRI's. The MRI's have shown no change. His blood levels every time are escalated. For us we don't know what the next day will bring. There's days where he can't get out of bed due to his spinal damage and his nerves are creating spontaneous partial paralysis. When I was speaking with our doctor today I said it's very sad for a wife, and for our children to witness his daily struggles that limit his quality of life. How do we remain positive? How do I not check to see if he's breathing the next day? I was told today (not that I haven't heard it before) that what happened to my husband no one survives and to date they are baffled onto why his body isn't recuperating. Anyone that knows my husband knows that he is strong, determined, stubborn and has a high pain tolerance AND here is a man I see cry because he can't walk properly down the hallway due to dizziness some days. Now....as we remain "positive" we also know what the doctors keep telling us, "It's unfortunate" As I first aider I keep taking his blood pressure and he's completely in hypertension with a rapid pulse, I keep hoping it keeps going up and down so it doesn't cause a heart attack. AND no, there's no point going to emergency, because at this point it's not an emergency. Kinda waiting for that.... Waiting.... When.... What.....and where..... In the meantime (truthfully) this is the other side of illness. The core to everything - monitoring. I always try to have a smile on my face. When I pick up our kids from the public school or activities, I stay in our van catching up on emails, and people watching. I watch healthy people and once again feel sorry for my husband that struggles daily. I can't help it...it's not fare. We are persevering, we are continuing to experience and live our lives as best as we can but it's not a life I would wish onto anyone. Hence why I haven't written. However now that I've reopened this door and I have received a huge response to write again, I am. It has and is therapeutic. Regardless our health challenges, I still truly believe that everything happens for a reason. I'm not sure why this has happened to us and maybe the reason will never become clear. I don't know yet. I do know with every experience in our life, it's used to learn. Then to support. Then to teach......

For example, this summer our second oldest son was crushed in between a hydraulic picker and a cement wall. His groin was crushed and his femur was broken completely in half. When he called me from his work site while waiting for the ambulance I was so distraught. So so so upset and I think that's because of everything else we have been going through. Anyhow he underwent surgery and he asked to come home for his recovery. We set up a bedroom with an adjustable bed and to date he's still here getting around comfortably with his crutches while receiving physiotherapy. Now I don't wish this on anybody and especially my own child however since he's been here it's been so calming for my own heart. We also have been rekindling the past, talking more and spending time with each other that might not have happened if this unfortunate event didn't. So I have at least perceived this as a bonding time with our second oldest son, and I think he can conquer, even though this is a life changing event physically. 

Sometimes, (like my husband's condition) we don't know the outcome and we don't understand why this is happening. It's frustrating and draining on ones stress. I just can't help but believe that what we're going through is meant for a reason, our pain and suffering will be understood later and hopefully our children can understand this too. It has to be.....because what else is the other side of illness? Other then a lesson?  

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