It
doesn't matter what we all believe. Sickness and death comes. We can
all say, “Not my family” but we literally have no control. It
comes without notice. I wasn't sure if I was able to write and share
my feelings any time soon however writing has been gnawing at me. Our
worst nightmare happened on May 24th. A constable came
knocking at our door. He asked to come inside and to move into a
private room. Immediately I thought, “Oh great, one of our
teenagers did something really bad” I proceeded to tell him that he
can tell us here, in our kitchen. My anxiety set in. Then he said,
“Your daughter Kayla Lynn Martini has died” My husband and I kept
telling him he had the wrong person, that this isn't possible. “Not
our daughter” I literally was yelling, “No no no” over and over
again for hours while the constable called victim services. When
victim services arrived, the constable then stated we needed to
proceed in calling immediate family members. “No no no, you have
the wrong family......the wrong girl” Shock was setting in. The
toilet became my saving grace that night. Everything within my body,
my emotions, my physical being.....my heart and soul was being thrown
up. This can't be real. How can this be? Not our daughter. Not our
family. We are already struggling with a compromised husband and
father now our first born, our intelligent and beautiful daughter is
gone!? Why!? How!? Not her. Please not her. Oh god.....please not
her. “No” All of a sudden my denial, my anxiety, my everything
that was thrown up just re-piled into my body. A heavy yet hollow
horrible weight. My throat became sore like I swallowed razor blades.
Our daughter is gone. The week before the service there was lots
going on. Not only was I trying to keep the peace with other peoples
emotions, I was organizing (with the help of our family, friends and
our community) to have a service hoping that our daughter would have
liked. You don't normally talk with your children about how they
would want their service. After the service (right or wrong) My
husband and I had to deal with debts, bills, endless costs,
paperwork, our daughters belongings, picking up our daughters
ashes....you name it – everything was hard. Most of every one was
gone too except for close friends and family. It became quieter. The
flowers were dying. All of a sudden our new normal was setting in.
It's true. Our daughter is definitely gone. OMG. It's been only two
months but as every day passes it seems like eternity not hearing
from her. I canceled our trip together which felt like another loss.
As a grieving mother.....my experience is heavy. I feel heavy inside
with a sore throat ALL the time. I may smile but I'm completely
devastated. Now that everything is concluded with our daughters death
(service, other arrangements, bills, extra) we are left struggling
not only with every ones emotions and our own, with peoples questions
and rumors. We have heard a lot that I will not repeat. I understand
peoples concern. I truly do. I understand when some walk in the other
direction when they see me. Here's what you can do. Don't repeat
rumors. Don't believe anything you hear. If you see me, I will not
bite. It's okay. I joined a grieving site and I've also connected
with people who lost. I've found this to be the most beneficial. If
you haven't lost, it's hard to understand and I get it. I was that
person. I desperately wish I was still that person. The only words
one can say is, “I'm sorry” Loosing a child is a parents worst
nightmare and unfortunately it is here forever. It will never go
away. Grieving will never stop. This is somehow our new normal. There
is no time limit with grief. Don't ever say, “Get over it” or
“You should be over it” Try to imagine yourself in our shoes.
It's been two months and I thought to myself, Wow.....I am devastated
but not angry” but guess what? The stages of grief is
uncontrollable. It comes and goes without warning. I recently became
angry after returning from our much needed road trip. I said and did
somethings that I will never forgive myself for. I'm finding out,
hurt people hurt people. I feel like I'm loosing myself. I walk, I
talk, I continue to live and I'm trying really hard to maintain my
daily responsibilities but some days, some hours, sometimes within a
minute I'm drowning in grief. I hate this. I don't want this. This
isn't me. Where am I and where is my daughter? When I picked up her
ashes....I was shocked. I never thought a body would have so much
ash. Then inside a little bag was my daughters jewelry that was taken
off of her body. I slipped her ring onto my finger where it remains
today. It was never meant for me however as sentimental as I am, I
won't take it off. I sleep with her elephant. Every time I see
anything elephant I contemplate needing it. Some of my family and
friends think I'm crazy. Truth....I already was and this tragic life
changing event has enhanced that truth. Right, wrong or indifferent
when a loss like this happens, life as we once knew it is forever
gone. While taking it one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a
time, I know our futures will never be the same. It's July 30th
today as I write this, I miss our daughter. I miss our happiness. I
miss worrying about her. One of the most strangest feeling is....not
worrying about Kayla. She is gone. A huge shift happened. Life to
death. I understand she is at peace but I want to worry about her. I
as a mother was looking forward to having a mature adult relationship
with her. I was looking forward to traveling and experiencing those
next stages of life with her. Kayla was talking about children.
Grandchildren I will never get to hold. It's not fair. There is so
many parents that have lost their children, and I am so sorry. I am
truly sorry for your loss. There is no amount of time that can change
what is. It's a loss that we have to live with and from knowing what
I know now – we all grieve differently, our grief will last our
life time. For people wondering how they can help or what to do when
they run into someone like me, just “I'm sorry” works. It's okay
to say nothing more. I or whoever who is grieving will take the next
step. Thank you for reading this far and understanding. Our daughter
Kayla Lynn just turned 28 years old. She loved to travel, she loved
people. She had a gentle nature about her. She supported her friends
and family. She supported me. She was my rock. My first born. She
loved life and lived it. She was intelligent and independent. She was
just that amazing beautiful young lady with the world in her hands. I
always told her how proud of her I was. I always made sure she knew I
supported any of her decisions. I honestly don't know what our future
holds. It's a difficult journey. A journey I wish onto no one. Kayla
always said, “We all need to live our dash” From the moment we
are born to the day we pass. Because of her, I will not fail. I will
struggle but I will not fail. I love you so much Kayla Lynn....... I
can't worry about you anymore but you're always on my mind and in my
heart. Always
