ROCK MY ISLAND

Here's a sneak peek of my new business adventure! #rockmyisland is unique rock and wood creations. What is very special about this piece IS Gerald used a chainsaw and made Vancouver Island out of a cedar stump. This piece seen above is my business sign, the only one of its kind. I'm so excited! Stay tuned for free standing rock art and jewelry. I also have a facebook page called, "Rock My Island" where I will be displaying new pieces! I've signed up for future craft fairs and I'm hoping within two plus years I could open a little artisan shop with another artisan crafter employing some of our special needs children. I truly believe with action, productivity, dedication anything is possible. I sometimes believe I am living proof of my words. Believe in yourself! #rockmyisland  

"Dancing in our own tornado"

Sentence after sentence I have deleted. I have the thoughts but trying to write it perfectly so readers understand without assuming or judging can be hard to do. I’ve always known that the path we’ve chosen is a challenging one. We seem to have moved forward in a positive direction however it’s not easy. Last night I painted a very messy creation of a naked pole dancer holding on tight while spiraling inside a tornado. I feel that way sometimes. I keep dancing, I keep painting, I keep writing, I continue to hang on hoping that the choices I make in this life will not only serve me well, my family. I’ve always been a bit of a rebel. A think a good rebel. A mother, a wife and a daughter that teaches to accept differences and through me, I hope that people can see that it doesn’t matter what you look like, it doesn’t matter about the differences, and or choices that one makes, what matters is that we are all accepting of one another while being loving and kind. All of us trying to conform in unity as the same isn’t a happiness that is true. So as I raise my children I try to raise them happy. To be themselves. Unfortunately this isn’t the case for some. We are dealing with different conditions and mental illnesses that are far beyond our control. We are dealing with health challenges that are beyond our medical system. This leaves me dancing in our own tornado. I continue to be this proactive, dedicated, semi-crazy, different, fun, wife and mother but sometimes inside that tornado I get hit by rocks that brings me down. Then I question myself. I question absolutely everything. I know everybody feels this way from time to time. It’s just life. We all go through storms. Most of us manage to hang on. We know and understand that this too shall pass. I’m going to be honest here. For the last two years since my husband has been sick it’s been very difficult. Even though we have been moving forward the best we know how, it’s been a health shit storm. Definitely a wild tornado that continues to surface. It’s hard to remain happy and positive when you continue to get hit with rocks. That is why I started pole fitness. That is why I started painting. We all need an external focus other then what’s inside the tornado. That is the key. Whatever challenges you are having in your life, if its health, finances, children, friends, family – well you name it….and you feel that it’s out of control and basically you can’t change what is. The key is hanging on for YOURSELF. You are no good to no one if you’re not hanging on. Mental health plays a role in all of us, we need to recognize it then decide on how we are going to deal with it. For me, it’s as simple as remaining proactive in all that I do. Every day. At least an hour a day for myself. Small hikes. Getting outdoors, breathing in the fresh air, even screaming out into our universe is a healthy release method that helps. Life is not easy for any of us. That’s why I’m sharing because I know that (I) we are not alone. I feel that I’m here to support not only my family, not only myself but I’m here to support you in any way that I can. And that’s through sharing my life. Sharing also is a form or therapy. Don’t be afraid to reach out. Anyone who personally knows me, knows that I am here to listen and if you don’t want to share but need reinsurance that it’s going to be okay, I am here to personally share our rocks and provide how we cope. It is hard to be a parent, it is hard to pick up the broken pieces from wherever they fell. People always say, “Wow I’m envious on how large and well your family is” Don’t be fooled, it’s a challenging path. It’s not for everyone. It’s a 24/7 dedicated path of destruction sometimes. My only advice when other parents come to me when they’re at a loss is, “Don’t be so hard on yourself. We aren’t God. The day we met our children never meant they were ours to control. We are only providing the best atmosphere and possible good philosophies for their continued and hopefully healthy happy futures. We have no control on what happens with illness, we can only change our lifestyle in hopes it helps, be proactive and search for the answers.” “In the end if we are doing the best we can while still hanging on, maybe still in the midst of that tornado, we have to be easy on ourselves” At least an hour a day be good to you, rejuvenate your soul. Continue to tell yourself you’re a beautiful individual. Sometimes it’s easy being kind and loving to others, it’s not as easy to be kind and loving to yourself. Forgive. We aren’t perfect. In conclusion….I wrote this post for me. I’m sure you’re not surprised. As I wrote, I did not judge or criticize myself, I was honest. I acknowledged my tornado. As I’m hanging on while getting hit by rocks I remain calm, patient and I’m continuing to believe that we will survive. I forgive myself for everything I’ve made mistakes on. I am a continued learner and survivor of this tornado called, “Life” For the rest of you, if any of this made sense and relates within your lives, “Hang on, believe in yourself and others, share, support and most importantly, look after you” I am. 

I love you from one human to another. 

Update - May 9th

It's been so long since I wrote. Between homeschooling, the public schools, all my duties plus adding painting, pole dancing now gardening, planning for summer while juggling endless medical appointments, my writing has been on the back burner. What's new with us!? I'm not exactly sure where to begin. So I might be all over the place. The garden we are building is going to be eight large raised beds enclosed with a locking entrance to protect it from rabbits, deer, dogs and children. Most of our children are going to have their own garden space however it needs to be supervised due to the fact one sibling might become jealous of anothers growth SO you just never know what could happen. Supervision is a must with all things. Regardless it's going to be epic! 

I wrote a post years and years ago located on here about other parents housing teenagers. Usually these individuals are well known to the community however there is nothing any one can do unless there is criminal activity. It's quite an issue as these parents are literally harming other peoples children while supplying and partying with these under age children. You would think this would be criminal. It's not unless someone is hurt, causing a disturbance and or caught with the legal substances. We as parents are legally responsible however there is nothing we can do. Go figure. Anyhow the reason I bring this up is because I know of a home in our community that is just this and if you're someone living in our district and missing a teenager for example, I might have the location. The more police documentation the better. I truly believe us parents that are concerned what our youth is up too, should stick together. So if you ever have any questions, please feel free to contact me. 

It's been almost two years since my husband Gerald was deathly ill with MRSA. To date it has left him with spinal and nerve damage causing severe chronic pain and every day there's something different to awaken too. Which includes facial migraines, chronic muscle spasms all over internally and externally. Hypertension, extreme bouts of exhaustion, dizzy spells that drop him to the floor, food that doesn't stay down and the list goes on. He is at high risk for relapse, having a stroke and a heart attack. To date his blood levels were extremely high for a heart attack. It's an ugly diagnoses with no cure except hope. With that we take our life one day at a time as every day can look different. However it is frustrating to say the least. For me I can't help but wonder if today is the day where we loose such a beloved dedicated man. It's just what I witness while adding a little PTSD I suppose. For our children, they witness that he's not well but they seem to be resilient while moving forward on their own paths. Life is so unpredictable and we really need to cherish every minute...and cherish every one. We can't loose sight of this. 

Now that it's May (I can't believe it) We as a homeschooling group are prepping for the 5km foam run on June 10th! It's going to be interesting. lol We start at 11am that day and it's located here in Nanoose Bay. It's a huge fun event for all. You don't have to be in the messy obstacle race, you can come and cheer us on! There will be food vendors, music and I even heard a beer garden. So literally for every one! We will be designing our own shirts and it will definitely be a fun great post to write about next month while adding our pictures! It's a great way to end our homeschooling year! 

To conclude for now.....I wish every one health and happiness. It's the most important two facts we need in our lives. Except for eating. Eating is good. Especially seafood. I would love Lobster right now! lol

Remember...."Start each day with a grateful heart" and "Every day is a second chance" - so lets make the best of it. "Love to all" 

And "May the 4th continue to be with you!"

"

My paintings so far......pole dancer themed.

Midnight magic

Driftwood Dancer

Shadow Dancer

Mystical flare 

Custom requested, "Pole addict"

Snow queen

Kindness

 Spring fling

Pole Mermaid

This painting was made for a special little boy.

So far all these paintings have owners. For right now I'm practising pole dancers. Can you tell!? 

I quote by Danny Kaye - Life is a great big CANVAS, throw all the PAINT you can on it!" I love this quote!

Live your life! Try anything! You don't have to master everything but at least you can say you've done it - me.  

Reaffirmation ramble

I can't believe it's February 2017! It's been over a month since I wrote. Lately I've been sharing through other means of social media. I have been enjoying taking pictures, continuing with pole fitness and I started painting. I'm definitely that type of person that can't sit around and waste any time. I love productiveness and being proactive. Since I wrote last one of our sons fractured his ankle during his basketball game, he needed surgery to secure his ankle joint. That consisted of two screws. Currently he's not allowed to bear any weight and during his recovery I have added him to our home school group for the remainder of this school year. I watched our son being pushed during his lay up and down he went. His basketball season came to a screaming end. I took a deep breath and said to myself, “Here we go again” That evening we sat in emergency. I have never really felt that helpless feeling until I became a mother twenty seven years ago. Since then it's been many medical scenarios and there's nothing more heart wrenching then to witness your child in pain and you can't do anything but hold their hand. From accidental bone fractures to spontaneous pneumothoraxes resulting in lung surgeries to more severe conditions such as having one kidney that becomes infected to a broken femur, to dual hip surgeries due to cerebral palsy.....while adding a seriously sick husband has given me some anxiety. Not to mention the mental illnesses that has surfaced over the years. One may believe we shouldn't have taken on such a large family. However when I look around, all I see is love, connection and family. It's not an easy road but it's a road we have chosen to travel. With our dedication, and our perseverance I know we will move forward day by day together. Now because I'm this proactive individual I started realizing I needed to do something for myself to help curb the anxiety I developed since my husband became sick. I don't believe in dwelling nor living in the past. I practice what I teach our children and that's to move forward in a positive manner. Hence why I started pole fitness. It's not only a physical conditioning, for me it's therapeutic. I not only need to be strong physically, I need to be strong mentally to continue to be the strength for my family. Then because I'm a house bound momma I started painting. I had patience before but painting is definitely challenging the patience I have and it's great. So during these winter months where we are literally snowed in, and while some of us continue to recover from injury and or illness, I (we) paint. We climb poles together. We as a family, even as helpless as we can feel sometimes continue to gain strength together. Our daily routines remain and in many ways I feel we are a powerful family unit. We definitely have our weak moments however I can't express enough on how proud I am of our children. Their exceptional acceptances for each others differences and challenges are truly honoring to witness. They support each other. Our son with his ankle fracture amazes me. Just resilient each and every one of us and that is worth swinging too. It's true...with trials come triumphs. With moments of darkness comes light. Some people might not agree on what I believe but it's working for us. I said once to another mother, “If you can accept who your child is (even behaviorally) and accept others for who they are, maybe even yourself, then will come peace” Do you struggle with anxiety? Maybe over certain situations that may arise? I honestly know that being aware of your breathing while reminding yourself that moments do pass, you will be able to help yourself. Most importantly find yourself. I'm extreme in most of what I do however don't be afraid of just being you. Accepting, loving you. This post started explaining some of our health challenges, and I admitted that I'm not a rolling ball of strength however we continue with the two feet we have and keep going. It's interesting. Years ago I attended support groups for adoptive families. In fact I really wanted to run them myself. I'm glad I don't. I love our life without the labels. I love how we are and that's persevering as a unconditional loving family. I don't need a group, nor a book to explain to me what I already know. It's simply, deal with what is, accept and move forward. And I only share with whom I trust. To conclude, as hard as it is, remove all judgments. It won't matter ten years from now. Most of our medical scenarios don't matter anymore either. For our one son with the fractured ankle joint, basketball was his everything however now a new door has been opened. More support at home with his academics, with his healing and a possible boxing avenue. You just never know where a challenging time may lead. Be patient. I keep telling myself that when I'm going into my third hour of painting - fixing mistakes after mistakes! Life – be passionate and proactive with it always – it's too short and unpredictable. Anyhow....this is today, just rambling on all over the place with some reaffirmation.  

 

2016 Reflection with ongoing hope......

I started skimming my 2016 blog posts. Very bleak with my attempts of blogging. Shameful and unlike me. Regardless of illness we had a nice Christmas. Family and friends are everything. We are truly blessed with all the love and support in our life. I decided my previous post wasn't the best reflection and on how I wanted to end 2016.

January 2016 I posted this quote from John Burroughs and it still holds true today. There's nothing more rehabilitating then being in nature. It's great to hike with friends however there's something more powerful being alone and speaking to yourself and or God or our universe.

 This picture from February reconfirmed that storms pass. We have to hold on, keep our strengths within and always remember there's glimpses of calm so we can rejuvenate, recharge so we can battle that next wave because that's life. I never did believe life was meant to be easy with a flat surface. We wouldn't evolve and become who we are today if it were. 

 In March we discovered and started Geocaching. A fun outdoorsy sport looking for treasures!

 April was my last month blogging. As a hypocrite that I can be (ha ha) I decided to end blogging and sharing my thoughts online to start a book. Well.....the book was started but I still missed sharing my thoughts. The chapter I thought I was ending, I could not. I'm not sure if it's my creature of habit combined with my love of sharing, I just couldn't stay away for long. The quote below still remains true, "Everything comes to you. In the right moment. Be Patient. Be Grateful"  Patience is one of the foremost important traits one could practice.

 Then in August I came back!

 Within September our second oldest son came home to stay for a few months after having his femur broken at work. It was challenging physically and mentally for him. He's seen at the end of our kitchen table chalk boarding in this picture below. There was moments (again as a mother) I felt helpless that I couldn't take away his pain. This is the same son that had lung surgeries after having multiple pneumothoraxes when he was seventeen. At a young adult age he's been through lots physically and mentally. However during his stay, we had many moments of connection that I will cherish forever.

 In October I found this book! "You are a BADASS" A book that I love. You can start from the beginning or flip through, you can put down and pick up again. I still carry it around in my purse and I will read when I'm waiting. Jen Sincero writes, "Identify and change the self-sabotaging beliefs and behaviours that stop you from getting what you want" "Create a life you totally love" It's a great book. I love it because it's "real" Realism is how I want to continue to write without worrying about judgements.  

 Throughout 2016 Gerald and I tried to get out more with each other however his health started to deteriorate. Without writing a book, he feels just as bad and if not worse when this all began. He continues to have severe health concerns while we continue to wait for answers with specialists. I won't go any further about this because this is my reflection post with my pictures chosen throughout the year. No negative Nancy! Seen below is Gerald and I in November. I was all dressed up and because he wasn't well we decided to take and share pictures on our staircase. I feel pictures are so important. 

At the end of the day regardless of what challenge happened, we continue to accept and love each other. Seen below in my December 2016 picture, thirteen out of our sixteen children huddled together around our upside down tree. I've learned something throughout my twenty seven years of parenting. Complaining or continually trying to change your child isn't the answer. Acceptance and forgiveness is. Until you can forgive and accept who your loved ones are, you will forever feel challenged. No support group can change what you need to change as a person.  

 Life is too short to procrastinate. Just live as best as you can. Seen below is my Campbell River Father and Mother whom I feel accept us for who we are. I know for myself I push the "being different" envelope. The interesting fact of that is....I feel that I'm here to do just that and to teach people to accept through me. Then to teach my family, friends and children to accept all, no matter what the circumstances are. I truly believe we are all here for a purpose. I've always known and felt mine, have you? And if you have, I hope you're also opening your envelope because our next generation needs to see it, and you need to feel purposeful.  

One reason I believe we are as successful as we are raising a large family is because we aren't afraid to be ourselves. To push the envelope. Also as parents to continually learn, to accept and follow our children. Time has changed. I remember climbing trees. We had no computers. Now it's snap chat. Instagram. Facebook. Texting.  If I have to snap chat and turn into a silly filter to interact with my children through these different channels I will. Keep the connections because once they're lost, it's hard to regain. I learned that one too. So my advise for 2017 is if you aren't doing so already, build on your relationships. Every one in our lives right now means something. Keep it alive. Even if you have to turn yourself into a cucumber doing so.

And just accept and remember it's not your life. You're only the director, and I've heard....we aren't the directors either. 

Heading into 2017 is full of unknowns but we can only do our best. I'm not making any New Years Resolutions. I'm just going to keep open minded, to accept my children for who they are, and to continue to be that "coolest mom" ever. (As I've been told) Remember, it's all about connection. Connection begins with forgiveness (if you need to forgive) while adding acceptance and unconditional love. If "some one" because it doesn't have to be your child (ha ha) is testing your patience, practice in your mind and chant to yourself, "Its just this moment" "Its just this moment" Breathe.....relax, then respond with love. It's so true.....we don't know what tomorrow brings so try to always remember this when all else fails. My thoughts and words I try to live by AND I will continue to share with you. 

May 2017 bring you peace, love, health and happiness.

This was me when I was a baby. (I love green for a reason :) No one knew back then who or what I was going to be while I learned my first steps around the age of one. Who would of known I was going to grow up and raise sixteen children and have compassion for individuals health and share our life like I have. You just never know what the future holds.......keep the faith in each other. 

"Snowed in"

I'm not sure where it went but we persevered through another year. It feels like two years of our life vanished while pressing through day by day. It's like this snow we're getting. We can go places minimally and sometimes we are just snowed in. From one day to the next we don't know. It's become acceptable to a degree. We have been told that some of us are more likely suffering from PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) I won't get into details but it completely makes sense. I remember being told by a physician that it's very common and especially for the family members witnessing. Then if the medical aftermath continues (like ours has) every day becomes worrisome. We are always in flight against high winds for survival. I often fear that our children will only remember the illness and not what we once were or what we still continue to try to be. Christmas 2016 we have no outside lights up. We decorated less. Summer 2016 we couldn't camp. Of course we made the best of what our life is and we continue to do so but for us, it's only 50%. We aren't in celebration mode for 2017. Our fight forward continues. For the past year and a half we were advised not to speak or share anymore of what happened because we were seeking a legal law suit. To date, after investigations, interviews and reports our lawyer has told us we have no case unless we can find a specialist to state that if Gerald received the appropriate care within that emergency time frame (because it was proven there was a breech of care) would have it made a difference? So far no specialist can provide this. A year ago we were going to go to the news. They were very interested in our story however we halted due to the fact it could be detrimental to our case. Now closing 2016, moving into 2017 Gerald continues to have more medical complications then last Christmas and not one apology for sending us away not once but four times from emergency departments being septic. Three weeks in ICU. Three months hospitalisation. Operations. Septic again once discharged. IV meds up until Christmas of 2015. Now damaged with serious ongoing medical issues where we are told, "We don't know" "We have never heard of this before" "You will have to be referred on" Then while we wait, referral after referral with no medical support we wonder if he will awake with his two feet on the ground every day and we should remain quiet. Press on. Be hopeful, and be positive. We are. That's the thing.....we are and we are very patient without expressing what it's really like day to day. Anyhow it's just a cheated feeling and with all the unknowns we feel it's terminal with no positive answers. Only if he had the proper rehabilitation and a pain medication that would enhance his quality of life at least. Christmas is six days away. We are completely prepared however it doesn't feel the same. Gerald has been so sick for three weeks and counting, while adding his frustration, it's hard to be joyful. Christmas holidays..?..we would have loved to go up to Mt. Washington but like camping, it's to hard physically. That leaves us breaking up as a family and frankly, I'm tired of leaving the sick behind. The weirdest part for me is seeing men my husband's age and older healthy. I often get glanced at because I think I'm caught watching these guys walk, and physically able to do anything....like run. It puts me back into perspective on how much damage has been done. Then it just resurfaces on how pissed off I really am on how we were treated with no justice. I know....I have to find peace with this however hard when I'm reminded daily with a compromised husband. A father that can't ride a bike with his kids. Daily frustrations due to chronic pain and physical complications. A different family then we once were. So this is why I haven't been able to write as I once did. Well......yet another block - writing. I honestly feel like a three year old wanting to have a tantrum sometimes. During our last appointment I was so excited because we were seeing a internist/cardiologist and I thought for sure (after months of waiting) that he would have the answers. He referred us on. Without swearing up a storm, we left just as fucked up as we were back in 2015 when he was septic. Now we wait. Again. Whew! I'm glad I wrote all of that off of my chest and hopefully it was understood properly due to the fact there's not much sleep happening around here. So normally during this time "on my blog" I post a reflection of the previous year. I think this post gives an appropriate reflection adding that we made it another year with several fun and positive opportunities given our health challenges. Now in a matter of days or it's even over by now, "It's Christmas" I truly hope every one enjoys or enjoyed their family and friends during this magical time of year. Even through loss and challenges, embrace who's around you. Concluding, we don't know what tomorrow brings. None of us do. It's so important to be real with each other, even if it's me writing like this. Foremost as I have always written, love, accept and try not to judge. And if you can, give.