Believe in yourself

I was feeling empowered this morning. I'm not sure if it's this beautiful sunny weather or if it's just because I feel 2015 has so many opportunities waiting to be opened. When I think about my past, and the puddles I jumped through to get to where I am today, I feel good. I've written this before and I keep coming back to this moment I had during a first aid practical exam. I had this full packaging on a code 3 patient I needed to do within fifteen minutes. I had to assess, stabilize and package. It was my first time having a practical exam in front of an examiner. I weeped during the whole exam. Afterwords the examiner asked me, "Carrie, why were you crying?" I explained that I failed. "I didn't package in time" The examiner pulled me aside and said, "Carrie you received 100% and you will make an excellent first aider" The reason why I keep referring to this story so vividly stored in my mind is because that moment taught me a lesson. Not to doubt yourself. If you want something badly enough, if you want changes in your life, if you want your path to veer slightly in a different direction or you just want to succeed within something new- you need to take the action, do the work and most importantly believe in yourself. I use this little personal story with every one that is struggling with themselves. I use my personal experiences to support our children. It's real. It's very empowering to know, to believe that anything is possible if you don't quit. I came across this quote this morning stating, "When something is important enough, you do it, even if the odds are not in your favor" - Elon Musk. Like climbing a mountain......every one has to start at the bottom. It doesn't matter your level of fitness, it's if you quit or not that counts. The people at the top are the ones that persevered regardless their challenges. Like adoption. The process can be very emotionally challenging. I believe it needs to be because if potential adoptive parents can't handle the process, they might not be able to handle new children either. Like First Aid. If you can't handle the practical exams. You might not be able to handle a real scenario and a life depends on it. It's important to persevere. You need that level of dedication. Commitment. Determination. It's important to have that passion. AND if you have that passion for something, you need to believe in yourself and hike towards the top and retrieve. This is an important attribute to learn to keep - believing in yourself.  This is my message for this post. For example.....our family started "Emily's Angel's" back in September 2014. Our goal was $5000.00 and honestly, I thought it was a realistic goal however a possible hard one to achieve while selling our first angels at only .30 cents each. Today we are only $400.00 shy of our goal while not only succeeding our fundraiser, we impacted many individual lives with challenges of their own. Today while awakening feeling empowered I was questioning myself, "What's next!?" Because with determination (as I well know) anything is possible. Stay tuned, a new year is about to emerge and I hope that your life is full of endless opportunities too! If not, what's stopping you? 

Dance daily, we are in control!

It was an excellent weekend.  Over a hundred of us gathered together and celebrated a friend of ours birthday on Saturday night. She turned seventy and dedicated her birthday to our daughter. It was a stroller-fundraiser. Held at a restaurant with a dance floor there was live music, plenty to eat (especially cupcakes) a raffle, a silent auction and dancing! It was a great night of family and friends. We raised $1000.00! I want to thank every one that came out and enjoyed the evening with us, celebrating a beautiful woman's birthday and supporting a strong beautiful little girl's goal to endless mobility with a all terrain jogging stroller. We are only $500.00 away from our goal and our daughter's stroller is on its way! I wrote a speech a week prior to this evening. I carried it around in my purse. With eye infections and dim lights I had a hard time staying on track speaking from my notes. At one point my friend brought a light to shine, then finally I squished it into a ball and threw it on the floor. I learned something during this moment. Even though my written words were from my heart, my heart just needed to speak without concentrating on my written planned out words. I did however feel I forgot a lot within the frazzle of the moment. Throughout our lives we meet people, sometimes they're in our lives forever, sometimes they're not. Throughout our lives sometimes what we want doesn't pan out, or maybe it does all just fall into place. From one challenge to the next, to a less rocky road, life just happens and like that moment when I threw my written speech on the floor, it was a moment when it all came together. I had a friend (a sister) stand beside me shining a light, I had friends and family that circled me, I was standing in a place full of love and support. You know, I can't appreciate people enough. No speech will express this. For Judy, "Happy Birthday" - you're an inspiring wise and compassionate woman that is full of life. I would love to learn more from you. You've raised a beautiful daughter inside and out, and that's something to dance about! I'm going to share a photo reflection of the night. I hope you enjoy the pictures! Remember, live in the moment and if anything, tomorrow is another day - that is my tip - and that is how we do it and it works!

The raffle table

The beautiful cupcake table

Emily's Angel's Birthday Cake!

The Angel table!

The dance floor!

The dinner tables

My one son, "the dancing star" and my one daughter "Emily" and I

"The two" that made the night! Emily and Judy!

Anything you want in life is achievable. However nothing comes easily. We are in control on how we perceive, what we allow in our hearts and how we deal with situations. For my daughter, she's one of the strongest little girls I know. Through all her challenges, she remains bright and beautiful. As Judy, she doesn't let anything stop her - she lives to her fullest. Cheers to two individuals that remind us daily to dance!

AND "Happy twelve birthday to one of our sons!" 

 

 This son above is pretty special. He helps without being asked all the time. He has a very kind heart, and a gentle soul. I truly believe this boy is going to grow up and make a difference in our world. One of the biggest biggest and most important teachings that I believe children should learn is compassion and acceptance for all. This little twelve year old already has it. Proud of him I am.  

The ole pocket book

Time flies. I just wanted to write and say we're still alive. We've been busy busy busy. During our busy schedule I added two doctor appointments for my granddaughter and I. Those appointments were horrible. That doctor (A substitute, a locum, a ?) shouldn't be a doctor. It was about her pocket book not about our care. I know, I know.....you're probably thinking I'm over reacting however there were several other patients that felt the same way. With not getting into great detail, I wrote a complaint letter. I held off on any further tests and treatment. I'm usually not the one to rock the boat. "Stir the waters" I usually let things slide. However I thought.....I can't. I can't let this one slide. The way I was treated was unacceptable. I thought if I didn't address the issue, that this doctor would continue practicing. My complaint letter might not stop this doctor from practicing however I hope that I as a patient will be heard. After all, our care is paid for. With writing I feel better. It's my release. The complaint letter eased my soul. No matter what the outcome I within my heart did what's right. Not only was I upset with a doctor, I was upset with a pharmacy. We had one son on medication for his kidney, and now our daughter on medication for an infection in her leg plus my husband takes medication daily. The pharmacy missed calculated in their millimeters for liquid, and missed calculated in their counting for pills. Not once but several days over. We had to return sometimes twice a day to straighten out medication. It was frustrating. The whole week was. I must say it's getting better. (I think) We have x-rays and a follow up this Friday for our daughter that recently had surgery. I'm anticipating good news and a great appointment with our daughters surgeon. In fact today we had a dentist appointment for twelve of our children. I was told that our previous dentist retired and that we have a new one. My first thoughts were, "Oh boy" We were there for two hours, and all our children were seen. I was explained and shown absolutely everything. Not to mention this dentist is adding preventive cavity work on all our children's teeth. He was excellent. Out of twelve children, there was only four cavities found. This dentist was professional, explanatory, efficient, organized and most importantly compassionate. He even mentioned that if our insurance was maxed, he would cover the rest. I asked, "What?" and yes I heard right. I explained to him that never in my life have I heard such a generous suggestion as his and I complimented him saying he was the best dentist I've ever seen. Not because of his offer but on how he handled our bunch. Everything went perfectly. Funny, he said that he's never worked on twelve children one after another like triage, every room had three of our children sitting in it. He was pleasantly surprised. Even our three year old just laid down and opened his mouth. You know.....the biggest part in any profession working with people is the connection. That initial approach, that compassionate nature. There is nothing worse then walking into a medical room feeling uncomfortable, then having to proceed explaining your personal issues. There's a trust. An aura that needs to surround both yourself and that person you're trusting your life with. It doesn't matter if it's a doctor, a dentist, a councilor, an employer or a friend. Whoever it is that you're trusting, there needs to be an all around respect and a level of connection from one to another. I miss working in the first aid room. I understand and know the respect that needs to happen. For me today, it was great to see a dentist being just a compassionate person while working within his profession. People come first, not the pocket book - the pocket book follows after developing the clientele by person to person connection. I love our new dentist, no complaints there. With every genuine deep down good person comes prosperity.

New moon brings sand dollar dream catchers!

Update - Our son does have a kidney infection. He's now on medication and will see his urologist in the near future.

There's a new moon on February 18th and I can't help but think that is the reason for escalated behaviors. I'm not just suggesting our children, I'm suggesting individuals in general. (Including myself) I've been feeling "out of sorts" and not on top of my game. "My positive self" It's more likely due to the fact that I'm not getting out enjoying one hour a day outdoors. However that doesn't solve everyone else's behaviors. lol I'm going to blame the new moon. It's said that the new moon helps clear the patterns of issues in our life. While each month we have a new moon, it requires a new starting point. A new project and to clear the negatives to make us feel better and more willing to move forward. Perhaps that's why the week before a new moon there seems to be more issues and because our bodies are made up of 90% water and the moon flows with the tides we therefore become more emotional with our reactions. I guess we need to honor the fact that our subconscious feelings don't always line up with our conscious realities and a lot of times everything is just a nonsense battle hence why a new project or idea should be entertained. Sounds like a bunch of blubber the way I tried to explain it but heh it's that kind of crazy week and me not making much sense is perfectly understandable. At least I try find reasoning into everything before blaming people. Regardless if it's due to the moon, or being brainwashed, a mental illness or just physically feeling under the weather - reality is we all need an outlet. We need to clear everything negative within ourselves (without passing blame) to continue into a positive future. So this new moon I'm going to breathe.....I'm not going to relive the past, nor relive this week or feel horrible because I've missed out on some outdoor time, nor feel guilty about what once was. I'm going to open some new doors, new projects and help my children to do the same. For one of our new projects we are making and selling sand dollar dream catchers. Absolutely beautiful. (I think) Here is our first one made. 

Now I've learned with our last project that some people didn't like the fact we were collecting shells. I did call Ocean and Fisheries and for the amount of shells we were collecting, we weren't doing any harm. For this project we are not collecting anything. The sand dollars were given to us already bleached. We decided to make something unique. Sand dollar dream catchers. I also know that some people don't like what dream catchers represent. Dream catchers are believed to come from the Ojibwa Chippewa tribe and traditionally dream catchers are only a few inches in diameter. The Native Americans believe that our night air is filled with good and bad dreams. (Which they are) So the legend with the dream catcher is that it captures and filters the bad dreams. The dream catcher only allows through the good dreams. It's interesting learning about other cultures. Our children have an aboriginal heritage and I find the Native beliefs quite fascinating. I love designing their crafts and learning more about their aboriginal history. Dream catchers are made with careful thought, and is suppose to be a sacred object. The whole dream catcher has meaning and if you have received a dream catcher it represents the four elements of life. Earth, water, fire and air while not only wishing positive dreams, a happy dreamful life. Sounds like a great project to start during a new moon, after infections, illnesses and some negative experiences this past week. If you're interested in a sand dollar dream catcher, we will be selling them for $35.00. What will the new moon bring you!? 

Wow....My kids?!

I haven't written for awhile because I'm a 24/7 nurse. Adding homeschooling. Maintaining our home. Meals. While taking turns driving five nights a week with my husband. My husband lately can't work. We are above water however this week was hard. Our little Emily had severe constipation after having severe diarrhea from the medication she was on. It's one extreme to the next. We were dealing with trying to get a uncontaminated sample of her diarrhea to giving her suppositories to stop constipation. There was nights where there was no sleep. It was endless screaming. One month later I'm still changing dressings on one side where her incisions split. They seep. It's a fresh bright red that doesn't seem to heal. However it's "normal" The endless transporting, diaper changing and physio that we persevere daily seems to be our daughter's non-tolerance point however we know what's best for her. What we deal with daily has become our normal, not to say our normal isn't so normal. (If you know what I mean) The food intake is minimal for our daughter, she has now developed a cold. For the past week I've been moving forward with my neck and left shoulder completely kinked. Mentally I'm coping. Physically my upper body feels tense and stressed. Having a larger family I sometimes think our numbers are against us. One of our older sons went through a lung surgery after having three spontaneous pneumothoraxes. Tonight.....while I write, my husband is at the hospital with one of our sons. When he was a baby he had a severe blood infection killing one of his kidneys. So he only has one kidney. Not an issue. We can survive with one kidney. It is detrimental that we keep that one kidney healthy. Tonight I wait while my husband and son is at emergency hoping that he just needs medication for a kidney infection. Our son came down with all the symptoms of a kidney infection, at least from a six year old description. As I write....I can't help think that scenarios run in threes and what does this really mean for us. Surgeries or incidences? Or does running in threes mean absolutely nothing? Is it just a hoax, or a superstition like worrying about a black cat crossing our path. It's silly. I love having a large family. I even love our complications. I learn. I experience therefore I can teach. I can lead. I do question "What does our future entail?" How many experiences will we have above others? For now I don't have any answers. We are literally just living one day at a time. What I do know right now.....I have a supportive large family. Tonight as we wait I had one of my other sons state, "Mom, if my brother needs a kidney transplant, I will.... if I can donate" - that's my proud moment for tonight. See, I could be having a "moment" one of those negative moments that I've felt before. "Worrying" And as ironic as this might be right now....while I wait diagnoses. I know everything will be "ok"... I'm just so proud of my children.... coming from where they've come from, while molding together and now offering organs for each other. Above all challenges, all behaviors, that's MY kids! My kids?! My "wow" moment while I wait.........

Ass/u/me

I have a little experiment. To start, please answer the questions below.....

A. Who is this?

 B. Who is this?

 C. Who is this?

 D. Who is this?

 E. What do you think the story is behind this house?

 F. If you saw someone driving this? What would you be thinking?

G. Who's this? Would you befriend this guy?

 H. What is the story with this trailer?

 I. Who is this? 

The reason why I've randomly selected the pictures above while adding questions is because I was curious about your first impressions. (Not that I can see them) However you can share by commenting afterwords. So this little experiment is just for you - unless you're interested in sharing. Here are the answers for the above following pictures. A. This man is a hard working single father. He does everything for his five little children. B. This sweet Grandma went to jail for murdering her whole family. C. This man is homeless. However he's not drug addicted. He served our Country and has post traumatic stress disorder. D. Jeeze - that's me! I have sixteen children. I was a first aider, I can save your life. I home school. I write. I advocate. E. The owner of this house is bankrupt. It's seized by the bank. F. I would drive this truck as is. In fact, it's a work project. G. This guy is a heart surgeon. I hope you would befriend him. H. A millionaire lives in this trailer. He travels the world and supports several charities. I. This lady is indeed a defense lawyer. However she keeps nothing confidential. She's opinionated. Judgmental and arrogant. You can't trust her. 

Our society is so quick to assume. Every weekend lately my husband takes five of our sons skating. Something to do during the colder weather. Today he was told in front of our children that there is funds available for your foster family to skate. I can see why someone would propose this. My husband is dressed in his work clothes that are stained, they have holes (for extra air conditioning) he drives our old beater green 1995 ford van with 400,000 km and our children have different colored skin. Of course......we indeed fit that profile. I suppose it was thoughtful to mention we could get funding for the $15.00 dollar cost for our children to go skating. What bothers me is the lack of common sense. Five of our sons was standing there with their father excited to go skating. In front of our children someone has to comment....just automatically assuming we are poor, and we are a foster family. Some of us believe we are living in an accepting, non-judgmental world, that's definitely not the case. This world, "our society" is so judgmental. Guaranteed most people wouldn't want to befriend A, D or G but would letter B or I in the pictures above. If my husband was wearing a suit (note - that will never happen, he doesn't own one) but if he was wearing a suit "lol" - I bet the funding proposal wouldn't have happened. IF all our children were "white" I bet the "foster family" comment wouldn't have happened either. Can I change this? I can't change judgments BUT I can educate and I can advocate. That's why I decided to write this little experiment. I can't stress enough to not judge a book by its cover. Don't judge a family by its color, by their size or by their clothes, or what they're driving. Don't judge. Don't assume. You know what they say about assuming right? You make an ass out of you and me. Ass/u/me and this has happened to us more then once. Hence why I have stickers on my van, why I started blogging years ago - why I advocate for difference. So when assumptions like this happen in front of our children, we are prepared for a sensible, and a more educational rebuttal. Concluding my husband today clarified politely that he didn't need funding for his children, "Thank you anyway" 

"Adoption is survival for all"

This morning I was reflecting back over the span of the last ten years of our adoption journey. At the beginning or our journey we thought, "What a wonderful path we've chosen" However our path raised concerns and questions from our friends and family. We quickly realized we weren't receiving the positive and "congratulation" comments that we initially thought we'd receive. From there adoption wasn't so positive anymore. We stopped telling people that we were in the adoption process. Eventually our life path became hazed over with a blanket of fog. Something that we wanted to celebrate with others became a quieter transition. With time, and every adoption, our journey became an explanation. We lost friends, some family became distant and what we thought was a celebration wasn't anything at all. Only other adoptive parents know the feeling of waiting for their new child/children. It's a roller coaster of emotions and as an adoptive parent, you hope that your new child/children are accepted as if they were birthed with the nine months notice. I've personally experienced this not to be the case. Mostly I understand; hence why we transitioned quietly. As our family grew larger we noticed more distancing from individuals. We even received phone calls from other parents stating they didn't want their children playing with ours. Again, I understand. We are not like the general population. Adoption? Some people don't know the difference between adopting and fostering. A large family? What!? Why!? How could most people understand our journey? How could they understand our children's behaviors? Most people haven't heard of attachment disorders and FASD. What is that!? Why doesn't some of our children understand the simple concepts of cause and effect? Why have we had teenage runaways? Why are we so overly involved? Of course other parents don't want to associate with our children, - with our family. It is a risk. It must be the adoptive parents? Perhaps the home life with so many children is understandingly chaotic. However people need to understand that before we adopted our children, our children were already damaged. If it's not from brain damage, trauma, it's from continuous loss causing other disorders. We are left trying to pick up all the pieces, and honestly like a puzzle, some pieces are just lost. Adoption is a loss for every child being adopted. It might be an exciting time for us adoptive parents growing our family, it might be very exciting for the adoptive child however with time, that raw loss from their past resurfaces. So I get why some friends and family don't celebrate adoption. I get why other parents don't want our children to play with theirs. Why we don't get many invites but it doesn't change the fact that it's very sad sometimes to witness. I've written this before and even after ten years, with as much experience and knowledge that I have, it is sad how adoption can be so isolating in many different levels. If you're interested in adopting, you need to educate yourself not only through the adoption education course but through other adoptive families experiences, so you know without a doubt what you're getting yourself in for. 
-Loss of friends.
-Possible loss of your own family
-Judgments
-Behaviors you've never dreamed from your children
-Isolation
-Understanding time doesn't cure all. Adolescents is when attachment issues become present, if you haven't already experienced it at a younger age. 
-Understanding love doesn't cure all either.
-There is no such thing is a closed adoption anymore. We have had some closed adoptions for several different reasons, however the internet (social media) has changed this. As soon as your child becomes independent and searching for answers, regardless what you do - they will find their birth family. If you're told you're going to have a closed adoption with no access to birth family.....that isn't 100% correct.  
With our experiences I can tell you that love isn't enough. You can not change your adoptive child. There is no perfect child. If your proposed child/children have no special needs that doesn't mean there isn't a risk within their future.
Mmmm.....I guess this concludes onto why some friends and family aren't celebrating, and can't understand onto why we would choose this life path anyways!? How does a family like us succeed? Prevention. Patience. Understanding. Education. Forgiveness. Most importantly an open mind and heart. Perseverance. Recently I was speaking with this other experienced adoptive mother with a large family and she agreed that the adoption world is still a foreign identity. Our supports come from other experienced adoptive parents, and not all adoptive parents are experienced like we are. I recently read an article about raising a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, called, "I didn't start the fire" by Shelly Calissendorff, another adoptive mother. (From the Institute for Attachment and Child Development) Her article touched my heart, feeling the same while understanding that us too won't give up trying. As written above, maybe adoption isn't something to celebrate, it's a dedication to hold on too with the people that are willing to accept that it isn't as simple as a birth, it's a fragile path with rocky unknowns making us adoptive families unique, unique because we are surviving regardless if you support us or not. Please read below.......Shelly Calissendorff  "I didn't start the fire"

I was out walking in my forest one day and discovered a fire. I was the first one there and was all alone. I started throwing water on it as fast as I could. I called in for help – lots of help. The help would come and go and some of the helpers worked hard and did a great job. Some of them tried to help and although well-intentioned, used the wrong techniques and actually made the fire worse.

I put on fire-retardant gear, studied books and websites about fire, and talked to experts on forest fires. I got better at fighting the fire and made some progress. But then a big gust of wind would come along and feed the flames. I called fire jumpers—experts–and begged them to help. They told me no. Finally I walked around to the other side of the fire and found some other fire jumpers who said they would help. I rejoiced and we all got to work. I stayed with the fire every single solitary day and fought it day and night for seven years. I got singed. I inhaled smoke and got ash in my eyes. I fought it and fought it until I was physically exhausted and it nearly killed me. I was forced to take a break from fighting the fire to literally save my own life. So, I stepped back and let some of the other people I had called in “take over.” I went back to the fire a few times each week to help out as best I could. Yet, I was still trying to recover from the injuries I sustained when I was there every day. I was still weak and couldn’t help out with the same fervor and dedication that I once had. The fire jumpers started asking me questions about why the fire had grown larger and hotter. I told them that as hard as we were all working, the fire still continued to burn. It kept finding more fuel. This was a fire like most of us had never seen before. We could only make educated guesses about how to fight it. The very first helper I enlisted stayed by my side for six years and finally just couldn’t take the heat anymore. He felt he had no choice but to abandon the fire. He was strong and dedicated for six years. He took several other helpers with him when he left. That hurt our efforts but he had to do it. He couldn’t take the heat and felt he had no choice. The heat bothered me too but I said to myself, “Too bad – suffer. This is important.” There are a limited number of fire fighters. There’s a limit to how much funding we can get to pay the fire jumpers. They don’t work for free for the most part.

Some of the help I brought in found more help and brought them to help too. One of their helpers started asking me questions and accused me of making the fire worse because I took a break to save my own life. She said I was making the fire worse because I wasn’t there every day fighting it with the fervor and dedication she thought I should. She didn’t know the whole story.

Before long, the fire jumpers who came in to help told me they wanted me to leave the fire fighting and never come back. I was upset. After all, I had made lots of progress. I brought in cutting-edge fire fighting equipment and was more dedicated to fighting the fire than anyone. I stayed with the fire far longer than anyone else. Yet, they wanted me to throw in the towel and let them figure it out without my help. They actually insisted I leave! They said they had a plan for putting out the fire—or at least for maintaining it, but they said they had seen me fan the flames! They said I was making the fire worse!

Yes, there was a new lead firefighter who was dedicated to putting it out and she had done a great job for a year and a half. But she wasn’t there in the beginning. She didn’t find the fire or nearly die trying to put it out. If it wasn’t for me, none of them would be there working to put out this fire—all of them were there and dedicated to this fire being extinguished because of me.

I spent thousands of dollars of my own money trying to get help to the fire. I even neglected my friendships and my marriage and lost my house to fighting this fire. I gave until I had nothing left to give but kept going back to help. Some days I had to crawl or limp to get there, but I did it. Some days I had planned to be there and had to apologize and opt out because I was just too ill from the long-term injuries I had sustained fighting the fire. I knew I was too weak to be of any help and figured the effort would be better off without me in the way. And yet, I was criticized mercilessly for being late some days or for not being there at all some days. The helpers blamed me that the fire continued to grow and get hotter, even with all the help I brought to fight it.

Some people said that I knew about the fire and took responsibility for it.  They said I should be ashamed of myself for not staying with it every single day. Yet, I had no idea what kind of a fire I had found. I had no prior experience putting out fires. But I learned as I went and became a great fire fighter. And still the fire was bigger than me!

I DID accept responsibility for this fire. I could not have known how big or how hot it would get. I would never have guessed that some of my recruited helpers would actually accuse me of making the fire worse and ask me to walk away from it. I am still dedicated to putting out this fire!

I love the trees and the plants and the flowers and the rivers and the animals that live beautifully right where the fire burns! I can’t walk away! I won’t walk away. I never fanned the flames. After seven years of full-time, unrelenting dedication to fighting this fire, how could I possibly even think about making it worse? I haven’t the slightest idea of doing so. I felt horribly guilty about having to take a break!

Even though I didn’t plant the forest where the fire was started, it was given to me. The forest entrusted me for its care for as long as I live. It’s the most beautiful forest I have ever seen. I love everything about that forest. I worry everyday about how the fire damages the beautiful forest. I refuse to let the fire totally destroy it. I will keep recruiting,  bringing resources, and proving my dedication. I will not stop until every single fire jumper knows that I am this forest’s number one advocate. I will not waiver even though it hurts to be judged, to have assumptions be made about me, and to be told to leave. One way or the other, I will persevere. No matter what.

It’s as if they think I started the fire. They know I didn’t, but I get treated like an arsonist anyway—I guess because most of the forest fires they’ve come in contact with are started by arsonists. That may be true, but it doesn’t make me one. I’m innocent. I found the fire that somebody else started. I wish they’d stop treating me like an arsonist—I haven’t yet figured out how to convince them that I’m not to blame for this fire. I will not give up trying.