"She's a rebuild"

     It's been three years since I wrote. Within those three years I've lost myself. I stopped writing. I stopped crafting. I stopped going to pole fitness. I stopped hiking and exercising. I've blankly stared at my bedroom wall for three years listening to music and occasionally drinking wine with my dogs. 

    I (we) lost two dogs in 2020. We gained another Labradoodle named Kaylani, named after Kayla. Dogs are personally my therapy and with significant loss (such as loosing a child) your existence as you once knew it disappears. It takes time to rebuild your new you. It's hard to explain unless you're a bereaved parent. I never even knew what "bereavement" meant until my daughter died. Meaning it’s a period after a loss when mourning occurs. 

    For the first two years after Kayla passed it was under investigation. My grief "stages" were and are all over the place. Shock. Guilt. Denial. Anger. Sadness. Bargaining. Depression. A complete and utter loss of what could have been. The shock came immediately after the Constable told us the news. I started yelling, "Get out! You have the wrong daughter! You have the wrong family!" Because the shock was so mentally and physically crippling I found myself unconsciously yelling, "NO" over and over again for hours. I found myself vomiting. My chest was heavy, my head was spinning. It was the worst experience and even as I write this almost three years later, my chest inside tightens. My tears start to collect.

     This kind of trauma develops PTSD and it did. This inhibits my memory. I don’t even remember how long I was in shock for. I do remember the bargaining and the begging that if anything, this wasn’t true. The guilt, the denial, the anger and the sadness moves along side with each other. It doesn’t matter that it’s been three years, it is and will always be there inside my heart and soul. It comes like a wave from a good and or not so good thought.

     To date, I really have to think hard about my daughter Kayla. Time passed only confirms she’s not here on earth, it reconfirms that she’s not traveling and I won’t see or hear from her, that indeed my daughter’s future is gone. 

    What do I do now? Day by day I continue with my responsibilities as a Mother to my other children. I keep busy. On special dates, I prepare and give in my daughter’s honor. I have my loyal companions – dogs. I have continued with my garden. 

    How have I changed?  Well….. I’m not as social. I’m not as happy. I have a mask with a resting face hiding inside. I can cry at the drop of a hat. My motivation is low. However that being said, I get up. I continue to move forward within this body trying to find the new me. Who I was is gone. I struggle with PTSD and Anxiety. Depression comes and goes. 

    Back in 2015 my husband became deathly ill with MRSA that went throughout his system attacking every organ. He had infection pockets throughout and up and down his spine. He was septic twice. After being in the hospital for three months, I was told to be prepared. I thought that was the worst experience of my life. Since then (because he’s compromised) I often awake wondering if this is the day. 

    Five months after Kayla passed we almost lost our son, my second born to a horrific roll over accident. He was airlifted to Vancouver where he recovered from hematomas against his lungs and heart. He went through physiotherapy for his fractured pelvis, prior to this, his femur was crushed where he has a titanium rod, prior to that, he suffered from spontaneous Pneumothoraxes while receiving lung surgeries.

     I could go on about past traumas that have affected me however nothing compares to child loss. After loss you become afraid of loss because it’s real. It’s not “that worry” that’s occasionally in the back of our heads anymore. It is raw and eventually all of our futures will endure illness, accidents and death. 

    How I’ve changed is still a question mark….. I may have all these broken elements to me however I can share, I can support, I can really listen and my own personal journey has truly made me understand that we are only visiting this world. We have to treat people with kindness, we need to give to others, we need to take photographs and all those moments you’re with someone, those moments need to be cherished. 

    Before Kayla’s death I was that type of Mother who needed to make sure everyone was minding rules, I needed to make sure I was that parent who was raising sixteen kids to their fullest potentials. I am still that Mother however I’m more relaxed. Excepting that sometimes rules can be broken. It’s not about the spilt milk. Just remember, over that spilled milk (your reaction) will come guilt when that person is gone. I’ve learned to become more subdued and more equal, rather than trying to “parent” all the time. 

    With this new found me, I’ve always loved nature, the outdoors and today, I love it even more so because I feel closer to Kayla. I look for signs. I talk to her. I’m working on relationships as a human being visiting this world while not trying to control it. As much as I hate my journey and the cards that have been dealt…. I’m alive and with this gift, I want to find and be the best version of me. 

    I’m still working on this with weekly zoom meetings with Camp Kerry. I have befriended others that have lost children, not only through the internet but through Compassionate Friends. I don’t say, “Yes” all the time because it’s now time to take care of Carrie. Carrie, who is she? Again...I question this every day. She’s this middle aged emotionally damaged woman seeking peace. She’s working on her 1972 VW Busses, picking up the Guitar, gardening and wanting to write her book with her dogs by her side. She’s a woman that is a human being; she’s just not a parent with duties to fulfill in this entitled world, she’s just not a grieving parent. Under everything you see, was a child with all the hopes and dreams that were shattered along the way. 

    Carrie, she’s a rebuild. "That's who I am" To conclude….in the midst of all my nuts and bolts, I am grateful for who I have in my life. I am grateful believing and knowing that our existence, our energy, our souls do shift to another realm where we will all be together again. As much as I just wanted to die at the beginning of this journey….I am grateful I’m still alive. To be continued……"She's a rebuild" 

A Life Nightmare

After my last post, I've tried to write. I would write pages then delete. It's been five months since we lost our oldest daughter. My only biological daughter and I still carry this heaviness inside my chest. I wear a mask and I walk day by day coping as best as I can. Unfortunately I am haunted by my own mind. It becomes consuming. I think about our last phone call. Our last text. I think about all the good and bad times. I'm consumed by certain events. I count the days. The 24^th (even as much as I try to have a more positive outlook) it's filled with anxiety and my head becomes dizzy and unfocused. I can only explain it as if I'm on drugs. Speaking to councilors does not help. My only source I find that helps is speaking to other grieving parents. Then we mourn together. There's this one family, one parent that I've connected with on whom lost their precious daughter the same week. I'm thankful however it's devastating to know they have the same pain. I can only describe it as my chest has been opened and a chunk of my heart has been ripped out and it just aches all the time. I can feel my heart pounding when my anxiety sets in. Anxiety that I really never had before. It comes when I'm out in crowds. Especially when it's people that I know. I've always been very social but now I feel better when I walk into a gathering and no one knows of me. I know that I have lots of supporters and friends that love me. It doesn't take away the loneliness I feel inside. It's indescribable and I only think that parents who have lost understand this. Does time heal? Apparently so I've been told but I don't believe this. I believe it gets easier but as time moves forward, it only gets worse knowing I'm aging without my daughter. Kayla being my first born at a young age was my savior. I always told her this. I will never understand why she was taken. I also feel so selfish lately because it's not all about me. This has changed me forever and I hate knowing that too. It makes me walk day by day even sadder. Sometimes, even as I write this I feel like I'm going to vomit. Physically my heart hurts. Just out of no where everything becomes pounding. That's grief. Why oh why...... I keep telling people that my husband and I just wanted to make a difference in this world....then we are thrown a bad deck of cards for years. How now am I suppose to stay positive? Nothing could be worse then this. I share because I need too. I write because it will always be my passion. I do appreciate every ones support and words of guidance. It does help. However this forever path can not be changed. There's no fork in the road I can veer too. Life is unfair. I used to believe that things happen for a reason. Such bullshit. There's no reason why any one's child should die. Call me “Negative Nancy” but I'm sure most would agree. I guess it will be interesting on how all our paths will unfold, and on how my thoughts will shift as time goes on. I understand that we all grieve differently and only time will reveal. For now, all of this is a dark cloud. That's all I see. Yes I get that my daughter is at peace. Of course she is, she doesn't feel like I do. She doesn't feel at all. All I can conclude at this time is grieving a child is the worst possible nightmare a person can feel. It's a life nightmare. "Forever 28 my baby girl....I miss you more then any of my words can describe and I'm sorry that your momma hurts so much. I know you wouldn't want me too.....but you should be here" I've learned something through this ordeal, you can raise and protect your children throughout their lives but it's never enough. Death happens unexpectedly and without notice. Not one of us will escape it.

RIP Kayla Lynn - :(

It doesn't matter what we all believe. Sickness and death comes. We can all say, “Not my family” but we literally have no control. It comes without notice. I wasn't sure if I was able to write and share my feelings any time soon however writing has been gnawing at me. Our worst nightmare happened on May 24^th. A constable came knocking at our door. He asked to come inside and to move into a private room. Immediately I thought, “Oh great, one of our teenagers did something really bad” I proceeded to tell him that he can tell us here, in our kitchen. My anxiety set in. Then he said, “Your daughter Kayla Lynn Martini has died” My husband and I kept telling him he had the wrong person, that this isn't possible. “Not our daughter” I literally was yelling, “No no no” over and over again for hours while the constable called victim services. When victim services arrived, the constable then stated we needed to proceed in calling immediate family members. “No no no, you have the wrong family......the wrong girl” Shock was setting in. The toilet became my saving grace that night. Everything within my body, my emotions, my physical being.....my heart and soul was being thrown up. This can't be real. How can this be? Not our daughter. Not our family. We are already struggling with a compromised husband and father now our first born, our intelligent and beautiful daughter is gone!? Why!? How!? Not her. Please not her. Oh god.....please not her. “No” All of a sudden my denial, my anxiety, my everything that was thrown up just re-piled into my body. A heavy yet hollow horrible weight. My throat became sore like I swallowed razor blades. Our daughter is gone. The week before the service there was lots going on. Not only was I trying to keep the peace with other peoples emotions, I was organizing (with the help of our family, friends and our community) to have a service hoping that our daughter would have liked. You don't normally talk with your children about how they would want their service. After the service (right or wrong) My husband and I had to deal with debts, bills, endless costs, paperwork, our daughters belongings, picking up our daughters ashes....you name it – everything was hard. Most of every one was gone too except for close friends and family. It became quieter. The flowers were dying. All of a sudden our new normal was setting in. It's true. Our daughter is definitely gone. OMG. It's been only two months but as every day passes it seems like eternity not hearing from her. I canceled our trip together which felt like another loss. As a grieving mother.....my experience is heavy. I feel heavy inside with a sore throat ALL the time. I may smile but I'm completely devastated. Now that everything is concluded with our daughters death (service, other arrangements, bills, extra) we are left struggling not only with every ones emotions and our own, with peoples questions and rumors. We have heard a lot that I will not repeat. I understand peoples concern. I truly do. I understand when some walk in the other direction when they see me. Here's what you can do. Don't repeat rumors. Don't believe anything you hear. If you see me, I will not bite. It's okay. I joined a grieving site and I've also connected with people who lost. I've found this to be the most beneficial. If you haven't lost, it's hard to understand and I get it. I was that person. I desperately wish I was still that person. The only words one can say is, “I'm sorry” Loosing a child is a parents worst nightmare and unfortunately it is here forever. It will never go away. Grieving will never stop. This is somehow our new normal. There is no time limit with grief. Don't ever say, “Get over it” or “You should be over it” Try to imagine yourself in our shoes. It's been two months and I thought to myself, Wow.....I am devastated but not angry” but guess what? The stages of grief is uncontrollable. It comes and goes without warning. I recently became angry after returning from our much needed road trip. I said and did somethings that I will never forgive myself for. I'm finding out, hurt people hurt people. I feel like I'm loosing myself. I walk, I talk, I continue to live and I'm trying really hard to maintain my daily responsibilities but some days, some hours, sometimes within a minute I'm drowning in grief. I hate this. I don't want this. This isn't me. Where am I and where is my daughter? When I picked up her ashes....I was shocked. I never thought a body would have so much ash. Then inside a little bag was my daughters jewelry that was taken off of her body. I slipped her ring onto my finger where it remains today. It was never meant for me however as sentimental as I am, I won't take it off. I sleep with her elephant. Every time I see anything elephant I contemplate needing it. Some of my family and friends think I'm crazy. Truth....I already was and this tragic life changing event has enhanced that truth. Right, wrong or indifferent when a loss like this happens, life as we once knew it is forever gone. While taking it one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, I know our futures will never be the same. It's July 30^th today as I write this, I miss our daughter. I miss our happiness. I miss worrying about her. One of the most strangest feeling is....not worrying about Kayla. She is gone. A huge shift happened. Life to death. I understand she is at peace but I want to worry about her. I as a mother was looking forward to having a mature adult relationship with her. I was looking forward to traveling and experiencing those next stages of life with her. Kayla was talking about children. Grandchildren I will never get to hold. It's not fair. There is so many parents that have lost their children, and I am so sorry. I am truly sorry for your loss. There is no amount of time that can change what is. It's a loss that we have to live with and from knowing what I know now – we all grieve differently, our grief will last our life time. For people wondering how they can help or what to do when they run into someone like me, just “I'm sorry” works. It's okay to say nothing more. I or whoever who is grieving will take the next step. Thank you for reading this far and understanding. Our daughter Kayla Lynn just turned 28 years old. She loved to travel, she loved people. She had a gentle nature about her. She supported her friends and family. She supported me. She was my rock. My first born. She loved life and lived it. She was intelligent and independent. She was just that amazing beautiful young lady with the world in her hands. I always told her how proud of her I was. I always made sure she knew I supported any of her decisions. I honestly don't know what our future holds. It's a difficult journey. A journey I wish onto no one. Kayla always said, “We all need to live our dash” From the moment we are born to the day we pass. Because of her, I will not fail. I will struggle but I will not fail. I love you so much Kayla Lynn....... I can't worry about you anymore but you're always on my mind and in my heart. Always

April 27th, 2018 - WOW!

Wow! I missed this little sanctuary of thoughts that I've written for over a decade! I still remember fondly of my first typewriter. It was given to me on my twelfth birthday. I upgraded to a electronic typewriter when I turned seventeen! Now look! It's e-books and sharing thoughts simply through face book and Instagram. However I have that writer blood in me where hand written letters, cards, and writing a book is ingrained within my soul. Reading back....I've shared a lot of our life. None that I regret. #memories Another little perk I learned was hash tagging. It's so interesting keeping up with the changing trends and technology. Eventually I won't be able too because I doubt I will remember my name if I live that long. lol Even writing has changed. More made up abbreviations. Anyhow bla bla bla.....I've popped back in. I didn't think I would write on here again but I'm a creature of habit. I may fade in and out, change things up but I always return to what I love. Writing is one of them. Lately most of my time has been consumed with gardening, homeschooling and building my art business, "Rock My Island" In fact I now have a little store inside my home! By appointment, any one can come purchase a gift for any occasion! "Rock My Island" should also be a open page on Face Book for any one to follow. Check it out!

I wanted to also add an update. Our life has been seriously challenging since 2015. We have had hope from the beginning that eventually we can get back on course with our future plans, which included our own home based mechanic and restoration business. This isn’t going to happen. My husband has been through so much. It seems to never end and his pain is unbearable most days. You can’t tell in pictures. Sometimes you can’t tell when seeing him but it’s crippled him. He’s been in severe pain now for several weeks and our answers came in. His L2-3 and L3-4 has severe spinal stenosis. L4-5 and L5-S1 also has severe spinal stenosis and his entire spine has osteophytosis including severe degenerative and generalized disc bulging with central vacuum change including disc herniation is present. He’s been referred to the pain clinic while waiting to see a neurosurgeon in Victoria for spinal surgery. (His spine has been affecting everything) It’s just sad. Maddening. Frustrating. With still eleven kiddos at home, and a future we have been trying hard to maintain came down. Yet inside me knows we will figure this out. So while we wait.....we carry on. Our productivity, and our daily life continues.

Now I'm going to address another topic. This below paragraph is from my blog about other parents homing "run-aways"  I just sigh. These parents think they're helping. Come on.....any one with common sense knows housing someone elses teenager is not supporting any one but enabling the problem.

I'm tired of being silent about this issue that is so bizarre to me. "Housing run-aways" Our family dynamics with different special needs and attachment issues will likely heighten our percentage for teen run-aways. What I don't understand is why parents will house teenagers that aren't their own without consulting or investigating why a teenager deems themselves "homeless?" We're in a society that 99% of the cases there is a home and if not, there is the Ministry of Children and families. So why on earth would a random parent house, feed, clothe and take responsibilities of a youth that isn't theirs? Unfortunately if the answer is because the teen was cold, starving and complaining about their current living conditions, it doesn't hold ground with me. I as a responsible parent would contact their legal guardian. We should all know that teenagers are seeking their independence in one form or another (and if you're not experienced with that) consult someone that can lead you in the right direction. Do not house a child that isn't yours. It's enabling and should be considered against the law. Our teenager is a complete manipulator, therefore opening your door could only cause you grief. You have no idea the past history, any current physical and mental conditions. It's just so mind boggling to me knowing that parents allow someone they do not know into their home. Perhaps it could be a risk to you!? Any how, our teen run-away has been enabled for quite sometime because people believe they should help but in fact they created the opposite. Without knowing the facts. I decided to write about this topic because it's just unbelievable on how many run-away teenagers are enabled to keep running because of individuals claiming they're helping "the teens" situation. There is teenagers everywhere manipulating people and I'm sorry, there should be a consequence for the parents housing children that aren't theirs. That might correct the problem and have less teenagers on the street. I walked by a young teen, dressed wearing a hoody, DC shoes and a clean baseball cap just the other day asking for money because he's apparently homeless. I told him to go home or contact the Ministry. No child is homeless unless they choose to be. I do understand there is certain scenarios that warrant children to run but again, investigate it before opening yourself up to manipulation and a responsibility you will regret. So I'm speaking out for all the families that have run-away teenagers and I want to say, "You're not alone and I understand your frustrations when your child is enabled to run" "It's not your fault and us parents need some recognition that we've done the best we could" I'm no longer silent. If my dear teenager is reading this, you know the truths sweetheart. You know what you need to do and you're not homeless. NOR did you have a horrible home! Homeless people are the poor individuals that come from circumstances that have left them on the street. They have no supports. Teenagers have supports, our children definitely have supports. So whoever you are my only advice is to do your homework. For the parent I'm now discussing here, shame on you. You're ignorant. For our "son" good luck! We have bigger issues at hand right now and you know what they are. You will live with that. Consequences eventually come. 

That above paragraph still rings true today. Now to date; we are moving forward as happily as we can be. Hoping for the best possible health for Gerald as he wasn't given a secure or lengthy health span. Thoughts and prayers are needed. While we persevere! 

Stay strong, positive and productive! 

Rock My Island

"Hello every one!" I wanted to update you on how great "Rock My Island" has been! AND I have been busy! Here is a few samples from my home based store! If you're interested in following more creations, "Rock My Island" has its own FB page! Like and follow my page! There is unique gifts for any occasion! I can also attempt custom orders! Seen below is a few for your viewing pleasure! 

Monarch Butterfly

 Ship wrecked!

 Oscar the owl

 The rock fish!

 Dancer

 Pole dancer

 Another Monarch Butterfly

 Forward!

 This was a custom order. Mail delivered Ele just recently!

 A beautiful blue hummingbird

 John 11

 Want a snowman without the snow!? These are my "Moofiss" collection!

 We attended two craft fairs in December! See my little helper!?

 Brown Bear

 Love feather with a real owl feather and a little Vancouver Island inside.

 I have lots of different unique Vancouver Island art pieces! You will need to come see!

 I have lots of different Blue Herons!

 Be different!

 This whale tale is one of my favs...

 A wise little owl, with a real soft owl feather.

 A Elk

 Exhale

 I have several different mermaids!

I have lots of other art pieces. If you're local, msg me and come visit! If you're off Vancouver Island and are interested in supporting a beginner artisan, follow my FB page, "Rock My Island" and "some" pieces can ship. 

Stay tuned, I plan on writing my annual year end post! 

Our spider web

It was an interesting summer. We had family arrive. Five of our boys went to camp. We went on day adventures. Attended a few concerts. I tried to spend some time alone. Then two of my oldest sons and I went to Mexico where I had my teeth worked on. I met new friends. All in all it was a decent summer without any medical situations going on. It was refreshing and different. A summer we needed. Now that it's September, I'm back homeschooling seven and we have three Elementary students in public school. We have become football parents to our one son, while juggling driving others to and from work. Other sports will soon emerge throughout the year. During my downtime, I am getting ready for my first Christmas craft fair in November for my crafting business “Rock My Island” and slowly but surely starting to write my book. Pole fitness I continue once a week.....while practicing on my own poles at home. It's completely crazy thinking about what you can get done in a day. From 7am to midnight daily it's non stop. For me, productivity is a must. From baking, cooking, cleaning, homeschooling to beach combing, field trips, driving, sports, appointments, fitness, education to crafting to gardening – you name it, it's accomplished daily. My husband and I are both like this. Work. Productivity. Proactive. Dedicated. Routines. Structure. Organized. Hence why our life just molds into a nicely defined pot of bronze. lol Don't get me wrong....it can be dysfunctional. Crazy. Stressful and exhausting but its a day by day deliverance. Facing challenges as they come and sometimes by storm like Gerald's health or teenagers searching for their independence. Definitely our life, “our home” is like a spider web of directions. Our path can be sticky, we can be caught at times fighting harder then before to stay on track but we always persevere. The trick and my advise is; “Don't ever give up” “Get up, move one foot in front of the other....be proactive for not only your family, for yourself” “Own your feelings. Share your feelings....don't ever be ashamed of your feelings” “Be true with everything that you do for others and for yourself” Most importantly, “Learn to listen” That I remind myself every day and as I age, I'm getting better at just listening to others. Everybody's perspective is different and regardless if it's right or wrong, listening to someone is one of the most important things you can do. So as we move into fall, weaving through our spider web we're embracing the colder weather. We are looking forward to tomorrow. To living and experiencing. We will continue moving forward with our glass always full. We all need to embrace life and each other. After this post...and before homeschooling.....I'm going to call (not text) and acknowledge people that I love. Start your day there and continue to make this day and every day your best proactive day possible. Love to you all and “Happy Fall” 

That's me! Living and experiencing life from the sky! - "You can too!"

"Alone"

It was time. I longed to feel and know what it felt like to be truly alone. It wasn't about our children, our challenges, any stressors or the overuse of our fast paced life. From what I can remember, I've never spent "alone" time with myself. What if I don't even like myself? So after dropping off a few of our boys and visiting with a few family members, I made my way to a single owned yurt in the bush. What's written is my sporadic thoughts during my time being alone. 

*The forest is rich, thick, green and full of life. I watched a squirrel for 30 min playing around in a huckle berry tree. I tried talking to the the squirrel but apparently I don't know the squirrel language! I watched for other critters hoping they would stick around so I wasn't alone. I started asking myself, "Am I actually that person that can't be alone? I mean, absolutely "alone" with myself? No noise. No people. No Internet. No one to talk too? I've hiked lots in my life but I was always with other people. As my mind continued to talk, I decided that it was okay to talk out loud, that way it wasn't so silent anymore. 

Then the heart appeared.

*I started to find myself paranoid. I was listening to every little crackle in the bush. It wasn't a sunny day. It was cooler, cloudy and with the wind all the trees moved making it eery. I remained in the yurt for a little while and eventually made my way outside. Very windy and cool. So ear ringing silent except for the constant crackling of the trees. The silence was almost like its own noise when you're not used to it. It's peaceful, serene but so silent that you can hear the ringing in your own mind. It was very foreign to me. It was just me, alone with nature. 

"The sunset"

*I was laying in my yurt looking out to the sky and I could hear faint voices in the woods. Several times I said, "No Carrie, that's just your mind" Then finally I got up and peered out. I saw nothing. So I went outside and walked around the yurt several times. I heard it again. I thought to myself that too much silence just plays with your mind. Then my eye caught the color pink. In a distance all I could see was a woman. I watched to see if they would notice me. Then they were gone. I was hoping they would have seen me. Right then I knew, I like interaction and "alone" isn't for me. 
I was so excited to be alone until now. I started to journal. My mind wrote as I had the erg too. 

*I constantly questioned myself. Over and over. At the best of times I don't think I'm a good enough mother. I feel I need to somehow change. Maybe I don't love enough? Why have I had teenagers run away!? It must be me. Why is my husband sick? Is this punishment that I must deserve? Maybe I'm just being selfish because this isn't about me at all.......our minds are our worst enemies. 

"Where I sat"

*When the sun finally came out, it felt like my friend. I happy bright light. I did have my phone with me and I had scattered on and off service. I stayed off the Internet and I mainly used my phone to take pictures and play music once in awhile to curb the ringing silence. I sat in this wonderful homemade lawn chair and when I sat back I could see the tops of the trees with peek a boo glimpses of the sky. I started to cry. I felt sad inside. Why am I doing this!? It was silent with the odd bee or bird singing. My friend squirrel would appear here and there too. I just watched the clouds pass in the sky while listening to the wind whistling in the trees while finally relaxing and absorbing me. Just me. It must be cry worthy being me. I've been so strong. I always will remain strong however feeling like I might have some PTSD and the constant ongoing health stressors that most don't endure....it all came ahead being alone. 

My friend Squirrel

*This time I was sitting cross legged on my yurts deck. I kept realizing I was talking to myself out loud. Constantly thinking. Talking. Pacing at times. I tried doing my pebble art. Reading a book. I kept peering out into the woods. Looking around. My friend squirrel would appear from time to time. He was a chatter box. I like that he was there. I felt safe knowing how happy and playful he was in the trees and climbing on the logs. A character. I was going to name him however I just liked the name squirrel. 

*I felt like I had a "wow" moment. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. So as I was sitting in the 1/2 outdoor outhouse, I noticed wood rounds and rocks everywhere. Wood rounds and rocks were my walls! Why didn't I notice this right away!? I just started a crafting business called, "Rock my Island" that consists of wood rounds and rocks! It wasn't a weird feeling that I was surrounded by this, it was a meant to be feeling. I was suppose to do this! The guilty feeling I had even being here left, I no longer feel guilty. "I think?"

My potty

*Many times I sat in that homemade chair that supported me to see the tops of the trees and the peek a boo sky. I tried hard to train myself to stop thinking. Maybe for once.... not to journal. I figured out something just then....you can not be truly alone, too feel truly at peace until you face yourself. Your mind. I needed to go through and deal with everything in my mind. Fighting my own thoughts. Every guilt. Questioning myself, "Who am I?" "Am I good enough?" "What should I change?" Until I was able to fight my own, I was not truly alone with a calm and peaceful mind of silence.

Where I sat inside.

*Funny, as I sat watching my friend squirrel, I started questioning that too...."Is that the same friend squirrel or is it a different squirrel?" I honestly couldn't tell. Made me think about friends in general. "Are they who we think they are?" I believe in all my friends. I love them all to pieces. I have been burned royally in the past with friends that was not who I thought they were. Interesting on how my friend squirrel reminded me of this. 

* "There's nothing to be afraid of" - Me.

*Don't stop believing. We want to believe in ourselves. We want to believe in our children. Friends. Family. We want to believe in each other. Don't stop believing - I kept chanting to myself. 

*I've noticed the sun makes you stop worrying about everything. It lightens your mind as it does the sky. It lightens the trees and everything around you. It's empowering. That is why we all need this light in our life. The sun. 

* "So when that one bee wants to be your friend and you're having an argument with it" - Me. 

* "Have you ever felt free!?" "Truly free!?" I finally did! I had no clothes on sitting just listening to the birds and maybe that one squirrel friend. It was liberating."I don't like my body. My hair. I don't even know that I like my meaningful tattoos anymore" I kept thinking. I would never sit naked unless I knew I was completely alone.

*I started thinking about hiking and all those moments I spent with others. Experiencing the underground bees, the snuffling coming from bears, the cougars, the wolves and on how when in a group of hikers, it was okay to be surrounded by wildlife. We had each other. Right now I felt grounded and safe being alone because I had my squirrel. 

*I hiked down to a beach and interestingly enough I was alone there too. Well almost alone. There was an eagle who sat on a rock bluff nearby. We were both watching each other. I found myself trying to speak eagle. lol As time passed I kept coming to the conclusion that I really don't like being alone. When I went back to the yurt I continued to study every movement and noise in the bush. I again felt paranoid. I can see why people in the reality television series "Alone and Afraid" tap out. Your mind is indeed your worst enemy.

See my friend Eagle!?

*Then I found out I wasn't alone. I was heading off to bed early and all I could hear was crackling noises! I would look outside. In every way even feeling afraid, I wanted to know what and where the noises were coming from! I sat back on my bed listening and staring in the directions of the noises. Then all of a sudden there was mice everywhere! I'm not afraid of mice so I got up and told them they're not getting my food. I had a few open bags of crackers. I tip toed towards the one mouse that was staring at me near my crackers and I snatched the crackers back. I started packing up my open food. Jeeze I never noticed them before. I think I was paying too much attention to what was outside but not in the inside! I tried to go back to sleep but they kept running all over the place. It was like they were having a party. Clinging and clanging. I couldn't take it. I grabbed a blanket, pillow and hoofed it to my car. While I was sitting in my car I watched a big cat with a huge tail walk off this log into the bush. Jeeze, now a cougar! Just then I locked my car doors. (ha ha) As my mind was thinking this cougar was a magician and he could open my car door! Again I was thinking to myself, "I do not enjoy being alone. This could be a very long night" 

See me!?

*Rise n shine! The night was understandably long. Tossing and turning in my car and watching the dark become to light made for a long night! I started walking back to the yurt. I looked all around me curious to see if that cat was still around. When I went back inside the yurt looking for the mice that kicked me out all I found was mice feces everywhere and including on my bed. I'm here for another night however contemplating if I should just leave or sleep in my car. We shall see how my thoughts are throughout the day.

I made this......"Trek"

*I left. Shows how I am not interested staying alone in the bush sharing my bed with mice. I just couldn't do it. I give all my respect to every individual that can. I definitely learned this is not me. I know writers seek solitude to allow their minds to flow, as it did mine however I'm obviously weak in this department of being alone. 

*As I was sitting on the ferry I found myself contemplating if I should just go home or surprise my dad, or my brother, or a friend. I still had two nights left before I had to pick my boys up from camp. My thoughts were so indecisive. 

*My experience offered what I wanted. I was alone. Truly alone. I felt I needed to finish my time. I know if I didn't, I would regret it later. Shortly off the ferry I was stopped due to some construction work. I recognized a friends car. I pulled over and sure enough it was! Just then I felt so excited too not be alone anymore! Not only that, my friend Ann found me a place to stay! At her friend Caroline's house. No more mice! No more sleeping in my car! I gratefully accepted this offer. Caroline went out to a potluck dinner that night, so I found myself sitting in her home alone writing again eating the same ole tuna kit that I've been eating for days. Caroline offered for me to make use of her home and her kitchen however I was content with my tuna. I did not want to impose. After a few hours Ann and her husband picked me up to go play rock songs bingo. With people! Music! Interaction! AND I won bingo! Yay! 

*Ann is a very caring lovely woman who is so unconditional. I call her my other mother and it was so nice to visit without having children by my side. In fact every visit I had was purely enjoyable. During rock bingo I tried for the first time deep fried pickles. Disgusting! Why on earth would I pick deep fried pickles for my first normal meal!? I am crazy! For Ann.....I will see her again and more then likely with children. I cherished our time.

Disgusting!

*The next day Caroline brought me out for coffee. What a wonderful intelligent woman. We discussed editing, publishers and of course writing books. Caroline has published two children's books and now is writing her biography. I was honored when she asked me if I could pre-read her beginning and give her my honest opinion. Me? I thought, "Wow, yes I will" I loved discussing about writing, even down to how we come up with titles. Titling my posts always become clear half way or at the end of a post. Caroline shared some of her life with me and so did I. It was truly an honoring experience that I will cherish forever. This alone journey inspired me to write once again. Journals have always been in my blood. Caroline just confirmed that I need (as her) to continue to follow our passions and our dreams as she is. It's work. Writing a book isn't easy. Especially when your sharing what's raw and real. For most of us, it's not only accomplishing a dream, it's a healing process. 

*My week journey has been out of this world. A reaffirmation to continue what I've been doing for over decades now - writing. Turn this dream into a reality. OH BOY, I have a lot of research and work ahead of me trying to find a publisher that believes in me. 

*I waited two sailing waits before I touched base on Vancouver Island. It allowed more time to reflect on my experiences. Interestingly enough now that I'm around people, I chuckle about the hard time I was having alone. I loved my friend squirrel and even the mice that I couldn't handle (as I reflect) it's like a comedy show. Anything else that was in the woods, it shall remain a mystery. I didn't and don't need to know anyhow. My last day before I picked up the boys from camp I spent shopping for two of our children's birthdays. Reality is setting in. There is a reason why we are given the path we're on. Even with the different forks chosen or not, our lives usually become clear. We just have to trust and be patient with our journey. 

"May the force be with us all"

*Bitter sweet feeling going from one extreme to another. Sometimes it's nice to try different life scenarios to reconfirm that your life is on the right track. Even when I travel, and as much as I love traveling, experiencing new things, there is no place better then home or where your heart is. I was born a caregiver. I knew it when I started lining up all my stuffies and baby dolls on my bed when I was a little girl. I knew I was a writer since as young as I can remember. One of my fondest memories was receiving my first old clunky typewriter (where the keys would stick) at the age of twelve. I have had a callus on my right middle finger for decades. I knew I was different in my own unique way, hence why I walk proudly for not only myself but to show others to be proud of who they are. To be different and shine it well. I am a good person now heading home to carry on my legacy. 

*For my first and last night I stayed at my brother Joey and Cheryl's house. A brother I'm just getting to know. I regret not knowing him however there is no time like the present. Joey seems like a kind and gentle soul. He's easy to love, he must be my brother!

"Listen to your heart...follow it"

*Just before picking up my boys I had still a few hours to spare. I hummed and hawed over messaging a friend. I find myself procrastinating a lot! So I stopped. I picked up that phone! We had a very nice visit reconnecting again like time never passed. I am so glad that I contacted her. If you ever find yourself procrastinating, try to stop. You'll miss out on beautiful friendships and opportunities. Take them while you can. Live in the moment when you have it. It can result in something so meaningful, so honoring and this moment was. I will always love my friend Carla. A strong and inspirational woman. 

My friend and I. It doesn't matter, time continues and so does our friendship. 

*To conclude, (if you made it this far) life is about "this moment" It's about taking today and looking forward to our future. It's about all the experiences we allow ourselves to have and too really love and rejoice with not only ourselves, each other. We are all uniquely different and some of us love to be alone, and some of us not so much. Whatever, whenever our heart pulls, we should follow and embrace that. Don't be afraid to challenge yourself, we don't know who we really are until we do. At this moment I know that being in solitude in the bush fighting off mice is not for me. However I do like talking to squirrels and Eagles. I love writing and sharing my thoughts and pictures. Someday I will have that book I publish. For now, I continue to take the steps forward following my heart in what and where it leads. If my direction shifts, I will follow. I can always turn the page and start a new chapter. Love to you all, and I hope you enjoyed my unedited week journey adding a few enlightenment's along the way. 

* "Appreciate life as it happens. Moments will soon pass and you will wish you had treasured them more" AND that being said, reflecting back, I cherished every moment - even if I was paranoid on and off developing some anxiety along the way. I met a new friend, Caroline. I visited long term ones. My heart will always remain open. Most importantly, I will also start loving myself more.

*Ending off my week, my nephew Brandon married his teenage sweetheart. It was a beautiful wedding and a very emotional experience as everything came pouring out of me. (The wine was a part contributor) lol Just seeing every one, visiting and having some fun celebrating was the best conclusion to this week. A great ending for me, and a new beginning for Mr. & Mrs. Aucoin.  Congratulations! 

*If it wasn't for my husband and my supportive family....this post "this experience" maybe wouldn't have happened. I am grateful.